The Types of Caffeine Highs, Part One/ Propinquity

Propinquity- proximity, closeness

Ex: The types of energy you get from different caffeine sources, part one:

Burnt Gas Station Coffee- Makes you feel like a sputtering weed whacker clearing away overgrown foliage at a house in propinquity to the town dump. Inside the home resides a lung cancer stricken hermit afflicted by chemical carcinogens emitted by the dump who survives off of Jersey Mike’s DoorDash orders.

Green Tea- Emboldens you to try your hand at tai chi on a rocky cliff overlooking your city. You vastly overestimate your flexibility and end up herniating a disk in the downward facing dog position. You let out a groan like a rooster’s mating call that wakes up the whole city.

English Breakfast Tea- Best consumed with a spot of milk. As you sip this tea, an air of nobility and generational wealth washes over you. You find yourself sneering at lowly peasants surrounding you in the coffee shop. Through your monocle you spot someone wearing a poorly hemmed suit from the clearance rack at Brooks Brothers. “PFFFHTTTHH!!”  You spit out your drink in disgust. How dare these people breathe the same oxygen as you?

Energy Jelly Beans- This is a very confused, chaotic energy. You are an ex-con with an opiate addiction who also enjoys hiking and rocks brown leather Merrill sneakers on the trail.

Kombucha- So granola of you. There’s a sunrise set for Stick Figure at Levitate Music Festival and you’re going to need some fermented bio-alternative fuel in order to have enough stamina to do weird flowy hand motions to the music the whole time. Armpit hair and B O sold separately.

Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino- Yassss queen. This one is all sugar and no caffeine, so if you’re ordering it you’re probably wearing high waisted jeans that sit above your belly button and conceal your frappe gut. Down one of these milkshakes and you’ll be fired up to traverse all three levels of your local mall, making stops at Hollister, Aeropostale, AND Abercrombie & Fitch. You take pictures with the models outside of Hollister and upload them to the “girls’ trip!” highlights section of your Instagram story.