You'll Never Guess What the New (American) Pope did at the White Sox Game

American Pope- So, I’ve heard the new pope is American. He’s some guy from Chicago named Rob, although he’ll now be going by his papal moniker: Leo XIV. It was recently revealed that the American pope is a massive White Sox fan. The Chicago Cubs tried to claim him as one of their own, even going so far as to broadcast his face across the facade outside of Wrigley Field. However, photo and video evidence has since surfaced that confirms Rob’s loyalty to the city’s other ball club. This content has yet to be released to the general public, but I had the honor of sneaking a peak at these digital memories, and boy, let me tell you, Rob is most definitely a Chicagoan first, and a pope second. Here is just a sample of what I saw:

1) Pope Leo XIV getting his glizzy on, deepthroating a Chicago dog.

2) Leo/Rob on the jumbotron, headbanging to The Smashing Pumpkin’s “1979”

3) Rob flipping the bird at a Cubs fan in his section

4) Pope Leo again on the jumbotron, this time donning a Lance Berkman jersey, throwing up a “Southside” gang sign

5) Rob wearing a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirt underneath a half-buttoned clergy robe.

I’ve heard that the American pope is planning a return trip to Rate Field, home of the White Sox, to catch a game this summer, marking the first time in history that an active-duty pope will attend a Major League Baseball game. Here are some predictions for his upcoming visit:

1) He will spend an inordinate amount of time in the Kids’ Zone in the left field stands, hanging out by the youth-sized baseball diamond, eyeing the youngsters as they take batting practice. When a twitter video leaks of him licking his lips behind the backstop, he will have the convenient excuse that there is a deep-dish pizza slice shop right next to the field.

2) He will lead the crowd in the first ever 7^th inning stretch Lord’s Prayer.

3) The White Sox will fall behind, as they inevitably do, and instead of wearing a rally cap, we will see him flip his papal tiara upside down to try to spark a rally. This could either lead to divine intervention in the form a walk-off win for the White Sox, or trigger the release of hellfire demons into the Chicago metro area.

4) He will baptize an infant in the relish bucket at the condiment stand.

5) The White Sox batboy will bring him Brooks Baldwin’s broken bat, and he will “heal” the bat back to its original one-piece form with a single touch

6) He will watch on in agony as the 8th of the 10 commandments: “Thou shalt not steal” is violated not once, but twice, by the speedy Luis Robert Jr.

7) He will turn ranch water into wine, upsetting many low-class drunkards in the crowd.

8) For one inning, he will work as a food vendor, shouting, “Communion wafers! Get your communion wafers here! The body of Christ, buy two and it’ll be twice as nice!”

9) Leo knows that Christ saves, but on this occasion it will be the White Sox’ closer Jordan Leasure who saves the game for the Sox.