What Really Goes on at Professional Conferences

Conferences- Part vacation, part work obligation, conferences offer a unique opportunity for members of the working world to gather in one central location to learn all about the most recent, innovative advances in their fields. On paper, that is all conferences are. In reality, what goes on at conferences cuts much deeper than that.

Any graduate student or young urban professional need only spend a single day at their first conference before finding out about the seedy underbelly of conference behavior. We’ve all heard the stories—tales about professors wielding power imbalances and gin & tonic buzzes to grind on pretty research assistants at university-sponsored after parties. CEOs in committed marriages inviting entry-level employees up to their suites to discuss “career ambitions” over mini-fridge Smirnoff nips. I’m not saying everyone is cheating on their significant other at a conference, there are those who just like to attend the sessions and catch up with friends who they don’t get to see too often. Amongst that group, there are those who are really in it for the knowledge, and there are others who are just waiting for the sessions to be over with so they can send it downtown, rail some lines, and try to set a new high-score on the inflatable bucking bull-ride.

The last conference I attended, I went to a session on something or another (It was all pretty hazy the morning after the bull-ride) being presented by one Fatmanur Duvkovic. As soon as I heard her name I couldn’t help but turn to the man sitting next to me and go, “Oof, rough name. It’s like fat plus manure. Essentially, it’s just fat shit. Fat Shit! Can you believe that? Must have been rough for her back in school with a name like that.” The man, looking less than thrilled, informed me that that was his wife up there presenting, and that they had fled a country in the throes of a brutal civil war in order to get to the conference. Whoops!

Cut to the final day of the conference, when they are handing out awards to all the people making a difference in kitchen cabinet development, pickle barrel coopering, toiletnometry, etc. “I now present the Malala Yousafzai Award for perseverance! And the winner is…Fatmanur Duvkovic, who risked her life to get to our conference. Fatmanur, you are a hero!” *raucous cheers and applause*. The whole ordeal messed with me to the point where I even caught myself feeling a touch remorseful while balls deep in the all you can eat and drink special at Fogo de Chão later that evening. You gotta be careful at these conferences, man!