What Every Ice Cream Says about YOU
We’ll be back with new content very soon. In the meantime, enjoy this sweet treat from last Summer:
Exhort- to persuade; to urge by strong argument
Welcome to the Filthy Easy Vocab OFFICIAL Ice cream truck ice cream extravaganza! In this list, I will exhort you to steer clear of certain frozen treats, while also introducing you to the wonders of some hidden gems of the mobile ice cream scene.
Without further a-doo-doo, here is what every ice cream truck offering says about YOU.
The Original. The Ice Cream Sandwich: The level of repression you have experienced throughout your childhood is palpable and concerning. CPS should have extracted you from your broken home when they had the chance.
Big Ice Cream Sandwich: Same as above, but you’re also a fat guy.
Big Mississippi Mud Sandwich: Same as above, but you also have an extra chromosome.
SpongeBob Squarepants Popsicle: The guy driving the truck has already identified you as his main target. At least when he has you shirtless and detained in that shipping container down by the docks, you’ll have the two stale gum eyeballs to chew on (for 5 seconds before they lose their flavor).
Fudgesicle: You’re on your day off from working as a historical actor at Old Sturbridge Village.
Creamsicle: You’re on your day off from working as a historical actor at The Jefferson Plantation.
Classic Snow Cone: It’s very hot outside and Friends is your favorite TV show.
Sour Tear Jerker Snow Cone: It’s very hot outside, Friends is still your favorite TV show, but you’re into sadomasochism.
Oreo Bar: You’re actually a pretty chill dude.
Oreo Cookie Sandwich: You think you’re chill but every one of your “friend groups” has a separate group chat that you’re not included in where they talk about you behind your back.
Lemon-Lime Popsicle Shots: You have herpes sores on your genitalia.
Super Sour Fruit Popsicle Shots: You have herpes but you don’t tell anyone before consummating.
Choco Taco: You wake up to find your grandmother asleep on the couch with The George Lopez Show playing. You kiss her on the forehead and whisper in her ear, “Things will get better, abuela, I promise. I’ll get you that medication.” Before you head off to your job as a line cook at a TGI Fridays.
Dora the Explorer Popsicle: Your dad dropped you off at school before going to his job at TGI Fridays.
Snickers Ice Cream Bar: You love Snickers way too much, you fat bastard you!
Twix Ice Cream Bar: Are you here with the Snickers guy? There’s an Ozempic truck down the block that I think you should visit.
Chipwich: I have nothing bad to say about you. Your own insecurities haunt you enough.
Chocolate Éclair Bar: Your idea of a fun weekend is going to the train station and watching the different models fly by.
Strawberry Shortcake Bar: Your aspergian husband dragged you to look at trains on a gorgeous Saturday in June.
Toasted Almond Bar: You just spotted your friend Larry and his wife eating ice cream on the other side of the tracks. You give him a wave and ask him if he’s seen any notable Acela models.
Heath Ice Cream Bar: You look like Susan Boyle with George Washington’s horse tooth dentures. You like to read The New York Times to inform yourself of the plight of minorities in this country while you yourself live in an all-white gated community and refuse to go downtown.
Red White and Blue Bomb Pop: There’s no Confederate flag bomb pop, so this will have to do.
Banana Fudge Bomb Pop: You are in the closet.
Jolly Rancher Bomb Pop: You used to be in the closet.
Watermelon Bomb Pop: You have been surgically altered to look like a lizard.
Vanilla Ice Cream Bar: You have attempted to kill yourself within the calendar year.
Blue Bunny Cookie Dough Cup: Your life isn’t all it was propped up to be when you were the biggest guy on your freshman football team. You do insurance sales in a small office in your hometown and got a DUI driving back from your company holiday party.
Blue Bunny Chocolate Malt Cup: Your son had so much potential as the star quarterback on his high school freshman team, now he has to blow into a breathalyzer before he goes to TJ Maxx to pick out button downs for his menial insurance job.
Blue Bunny Double Lemon Chill Cup: Your husband used to throw around the pigskin with your son in the backyard after school every day. How could you both have failed this badly as parents? For the last time, NO we will not be shelling out to cover the legal fees.
Scribblers: You are in remedial math classes. They have yet to address your ADHD and properly treat it with stimulants.
Cotton Candy Bar: You wear a tutu to the roller rink and pirouette to the tune of Cher’s “Believe”.
Watermelon Whirl Bar: You don’t exist. Nobody orders this bullshit.
Flintstones Push Up: You like sherbet. Which is okay with me, if it’s okay with you. I won’t call you a pussy, but somebody else might.
Klondike Bar: You would do unspeakable things for this wouldn’t you, you sick fuck.
Cherry Two-Ball Screwball: You are Italian, by way of New Jersey. You think this qualifies as Italian Ice, you low class stunod.
Blue Raspberry Two-Ball Screwball: Your father is in the waste management business, or so he tells you.
Vanilla Big Dipper: You are substituting cocktails for ice cream in an effort to pull yourself out of an alcoholic abyss.
Chocolate Big Dipper: Same as above except you are weening yourself off of brown liquor instead of vodka.
Rum Raisin Big Dipper: You haven’t checked in with your sponsor in weeks. You are dangerously close to falling off the wagon. Just kidding, this doesn’t exist. It would be funny, though!
Loved this the first time around, just quality.