Usageaster/ The Different Types of Jews on Yom Kippur

Usageaster- A self-appointed authority on language usage

Ex: As the resident court jester and usageaster of the substack platform, it is my duty to bring you humorous and pretentious content even on the most solemn of days. Without further ado, I bring you the Filthy Easy Guide to the different types of Jews in the Synagogue on Yom Kippur:

The Dialed in Jew: The focus and intensity with which this mensch recites from his prayer book can only be compared to a guy going 100% expert on “Through the Fire and Flames” on Guitar Hero. He never so much as mispronounces a vowel, and his full body prayer bobbing is metronomic, with no wasted movements.

The Old Yenta: Next to The Dialed In Jew sits his mother, a dried out mealworm of a woman who requires the assistance of four bar-mitzvah-boy chair holders to deliver her to her seat. She has personally witnessed the destruction of the Second Temple in 70 CE, so the prayers hit especially close to home for her, although her long-paralyzed prune of a face is incapable of showing it.

The Book Inside the Prayer Book Jew: At first glance, you’d think this guy is one of those Dialed in Jews, but, upon closer inspection, you realize he’s just been reading The Caves of Steel by Isaac Asimov. These spectrumy academic types are littered around the synagogue. In any other arena, they’d stick out like a sore thumb, but all the other ill-fitting slacks and examples of poor hygiene act as camouflage for them inside the Temple. If you don’t notice the book inside the prayer book, another way to pick up on these types of Jews is to closely watch for any nose-picking behavior.

The Questionably Jewish Back Row Jew: This Jew only comes to the synagogue once in a blue moon. I think his last appearance was during the Obama Administration, back when there was a different Rabbi leading the service. The only thing Jewish about this guy is that he came to synagogue because he thought he would get a free lunch. Which is, paradoxically, the least Jewish thing about him, since its Yom Kippur and if he were any more Jewish he would know that it’s a fast day.

The Wannabe Cantor: “AAAAADDDDONNNAAIIIIII, AAAADDDONNNAAIIII, EL RACHOOOM V’ CHANOOOOMMMMM!!!!!” We get it! You have a great voice. Maybe even good enough to land a role in a local ensemble performance of the Phantom of the Opera. But please, leave the masturbatory vocal flexing to the professional up on the bimah. This Jew is most likely a single middle-aged woman with either a head scarf or a bedazzled metal yarmulke who works at the help desk of an lgbtq friendly library.