The Types of Caffeine Highs, Part Two/ Scintilla

Scintilla- a tiny trace or spark of a feeling

Ex: The types of energy you get from different caffeine sources, part two:

Triple Shot of Espresso: Tired of feeling just a scintilla of a boost from your caffeinated beverage? Try a triple shot of espresso! Your heart won’t thank you, and neither will your racing anxious thoughts, but boy oh boy will you have ENERGY! Need to complete that report from work but also want to cram in a high intensity gym session? A triple shot of espresso will have you running up an incline on the treadmill while you hold your laptop in the air in front of you and fill out excel columns with the speed and dexterity of a Russian troll farm computer nerd who doubles as an elite PC Halo gamer.

Artsy Latte: It’s just a weak, milky coffee, but it has a cool leaf thing etched into the foam on top! Are they able to make any other design? It has yet to be seen. Drink this and you too will have all the unbridled creativity to draw, paint, or sculpt…that same fucking leaf. In trying to be “different” you are actually so vanilla a Madagascar bean just friended you on Facebook. Serve way too hot in a hip café playing Gavin DeGraw music.

Monster Energy Drink: WOOOOO! CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHER!? You slide on that neon vest and turn Creed up to max volume in your pickup truck on your way to the construction site. It’s a bad day to be a nail, and an even worse day to be a minority, as this drink will have your hands working, and your mouth working overtime as you shout invective to your fellow day laborers about that group that’s taking over your part of the town. Your building acumen almost ascends to Amish capabilities. It’s as if your cargo shorts have gained an extra pocket, or three. There are people and there are machines on the job site, but you are now toting the line between the two. You’re a human jackhammer fueled by cigarettes.

C4 Preworkout: Your face is tingling something fierce. It feels like there are bugs crawling over your nose, and last time you checked schizophrenia doesn’t run in your family. Look in the mirror, is that Ronnie Coleman? No, it’s just you. Except you’re not in a gym, you’re in a cubicle. Why did you dry scoop this in the break room? No foam stress ball is safe within a ten foot radius of your desk. You may need to excuse yourself from the office to take an early lunch break at the Thai spot conveniently located next to an underground power gym, “The Iron Palace”. Lift until you either see black spots and pass out, or until you have sufficiently gained enough bacne for people to claim you’re a fake natty.

Diet Coke: Guzzle enough of these and you’ll be spouting off to anyone within earshot about how DC’s are your life. Regular soda drinkers are ugly and fat and gross you out. But not you, you’re a diet soda drinker, which means you have class! Best consumed in the afternoons when you don’t want another full cup of coffee, but you need something to pair with a big mac and large fry.

Prime: You and your friends are in agreement that Logan Paul’s video in the suicide forest got an unfairly bad rap. He was just exploring out there! You now have the energy to open FIFA packs for the next six hours. As EA is doing a number on your wallet and your mental sanity as you fail to pack any footballer worth their weight in liquid gold (the Velveeta that you have been screaming at your mom to put in the microwave for the last twenty minutes), you put up a wall between yourself and your rational thoughts with TikTok scrolling.

5 Hour Energy: You’re in the hospital. A nurse stands over you with defibrillators. All you wanted was to make it through the Lego Batman movie, so how did you end up here? Maybe it was the 12,000% of your daily recommended dose of vitamin B-12. Or any one of the other chemical compounds comprising this potent elixir. Oh also, the people from the movie theater reached out. Everyone was pretty annoyed when you ran headfirst through the projection screen yelling, “to the Bat Cave!” and they all had to be transferred to another theater to watch the second half of the film.

Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans: Wait, these have caffeine in them? You ate a full box thinking they were just chocolates. Curse you Trader Joe and your deliciously confusing snacks!

Celsius: Wow, your latest post on Strava about your five mile run is doing serious numbers! Usually people could give less of a shit, but today they really care! You have successfully made all of your followers feel like even bigger couch potatoes. A bag of golden russets that have been sitting in the bottom of the pantry growing extra limbs and getting softer by the day. Well, you’re off to lululemon to buy a $100 pair of five inch inseam shorts. Ping! Oh, what’s that? You just gained another follower on your fitness account! Oh wait, it’s a middle-aged guy with a profile pic that’s just a way-too-close face selfie where his neck folds are visible who’s now liking all your posts and commenting, “Beautiful, supple. A girl like you deserves to be treated right.” Darn.