The Torpid Turtle

Torpid- slow and apathetic

Ex:

The Torpid Turtle: A children’s book by Samuel Clemenstein

“Torpid. That’s all you are. That’s all you ever will be.” Said Koi to Turtle.

“I may move slowly, but my mind goes a mile a minute!” Said Turtle.

“I don’t believe you!” Said Koi.

He swam quickly in a circle around Turtle.

“You can’t move like that!”

He took out an ink-tipped seagull feather and wrote the word foreclosure in the sand.

“And I bet you don’t even know what that word means!”

“Well I may not be able to swim that quickly, but I can make a circle too. Watch me!”

Turtle wiggled his little flat arms and stubby flipper-like feet. Koi sat still as Turtle slowly circled around him.

“Okay Turtle, you made a circle, big whoop! Whoop di doo!” said Koi cynically. “Tell me what that word means, then I’ll be impressed.”

“For someone so smart, you lack awareness.” Said Turtle as he adjusted his aquamarine speedo goggles. “Do you think any little kid reading this is going to pick up on your sarcasm!?”

“I’m doing it for the parents” responded Koi.

“That’s actually pretty respectable. We need to do something to distance ourselves from The Rainbow Fish” said Turtle as he rolled his eyes.

“We could maybe do a bath book too?” Suggested Koi.

“The Rainbow Fish already did a bath book! I thought you would know that, smarty pants!” said Turtle.

“We’re getting off topic. Turtle, tell me, do you know what that word means? The one that I wrote in the sand?” Asked Koi.

“As a matter of fact, yes, I do know what it means. And I know where you learned it too.” Said Turtle smugly. “You must have seen the sign on the side of the house when you went up to feed at the pond’s surface.”

“Darn it. You’re right. But you still can’t swim like me!” Said Koi as he propelled away from Turtle, leaving him in a cloud of bubbles.

“Hey Koi, come back!” Shouted Turtle.

Koi zoomed back towards Turtle from the other side of the pond.

“What is it, Turtle?” Asked Koi.

“Koi, do you know what that word means? Or did you just know how to spell it?” Inquired Turtle.

“I, I know what it means. It means… it’s. Uhhhh, you got me. I was trying to sound smart!” stammered Koi.

“Koi, what it means is that this property has been seized from its current owner because they couldn’t keep up with their payments! The house will be sold and another family is going to movie in” Explained Turtle.

“So, like, the orange haired boy with the dirty fingernails won’t be there to feed me? How am I going to eat?!” Yelled Koi in a panic.

“You know, Koi, your people once survived off of a few measly grains of rice a day during the Great Tenmei famine! Not to mention, the koi fish is a symbol of resilience and perseverance in your culture!” Said Turtle.

“What do you mean by, your people? And since when did you become the expert on…well the expert on what exactly? Are you…making this a race thing?” Asked Koi quizzically.

“Whatttttttt????? No way!” Responded Turtle, although it was clear that he was, in fact, making this a race thing.

“Alright, that does it. Turtle, we’re officially pivoting to an adult book. An adult book I tell you!” said Koi, doing his best George Costanza impression.

“I was trying to resist the full pivot to an adult book, but now you’re adding 90’s pop culture references in the script, so fuck me, right? Fuck my whole artistic vision for this project, right!?” Said Turtle in whatever way Koi had imagined. With whatever stupid tone that Koi saw fit.

 “Give me back the script!” Yelled Koi as he struggled with Turtle for control of the typewriter.

“Ah Ojeoefwjvf pjoipwefjiwfjifeopj ojopejfpeojfeo” “You’re fucking this whole thing up! I’m going to have to use the last of the whiteout on that!” Said Turtle, clearly peeved.

“That’s it! I’m going to look for a real writing partner! Somebody with some talent. Oh, I know, I’ll find Marcus Pfister!” Said Koi. Turtle sat there in stunned disbelief.

“Marcus fucking Pfister? The author of The Rainbow Fish? Low fucking blow, man!” Responded Turtle, who looked as if he had been physically hit with a blow below the belt.

“LOOK OUT! THEY’RE DUMPING SOMETHING INTO THE POND!” Screamed Koi

“THE NEW TENANTS, THEY’RE FILLING IN THE POND! OUR CREATIVE DIFFERENCES GOT IN THE WAY OF US TURNING ANY SORT OF PROFIT ON A CHILDREN’S BOOK. WE’VE BEEN FORECLOSSSSEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD”

~fin~