The Filthy Easy Passover Haggadah
Deipnosophist- a person who is a master of dinner-table conversation
Ex: A good dinner party host is not required to be a deipnosophist, but it doesn’t hurt. A few years ago, I had to sit through a Passover Seder in which the host was an insufferable academic type who prattled on and on about the petty details of the Passover story, making sure to read through a litany of additional rabbinical commentaries for every minute plot point. He even went so far as to construct a mathematical formula to quantify Rashi’s interpretation of Moses’ lisp, which, according to a bar graph passed around the table, fell somewhere between Mike Tyson’s and Michael Strahan’s. The Seder guests begged and pleaded with him to hurry through the story so we could eat some real food. Our stomachs turned and tossed like the Red Sea as they attempted to process the cardboard matzah and fish sausage topped with horseradish served earlier. But just like Pharaoh, he wouldn’t listen to our anguished cries. Being a subservient little cuck of a man, he only responded to his wife, who wore not just the pants, but also the jock strap, and the yarmulke. Their relationship was akin to that of a deep-sea anglerfish. He existed simply to serve her. At some point in their past he swam up to her—an imposing midnight blue specimen—and fused to her body. Over time, his nose and mouth dissolved and he became merely an appendage of hers. He became reliant on her for nutrition and all other necessary life functions. Once established as a parasitic cuck, his sole purpose was to provide her with reproductive material to ensure the continuation of their bloodline. Through all of this, he kept his passion for Judaic teachings alive. “If the ancient Israelites could survive 400 years of oppression at the hands of the Egyptians, followed by 40 years of wandering the desert, then the least I could do is recount the story while my wife…” *His wife almost lifts him up out of his chair by his ear*
“Morris, I said, it’s time for the Brisket!”
“Oh yes, yes honey. The Shulchan Oreich, coming right up! Everyone feel free to bring your plates up to the kitchen and help yourselves…”
“MORRIS! Did you forget to put the kugel on the hot plate? Can you all believe my pissant husband forgot to heat up the kugel!?”
“I’m so sorry honey, I’m so sorry. I’m good for bupkus. She doesn’t deserve me. YOU DON’T DESERVE ME CHANNAH! Go ahead, beat me like Moses did to the Egyptian taskmaster. Go ahead, do it!”
*Seder guests are seen awkwardly prodding their bitter herbs with the backs of their knives. Shmulik and Yossi are staring down at the half-eaten knadels in their matzo ball soup. *sigh* Another eventful Passover at the Shfarbmensteins*
Martinet- someone who demands exact conformity to rules; strict
Ex: The martinet Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket is almost as intimidating as a Jewish mother barking out orders in the kitchen before a Passover Seder, almost. If you mess with the preparation of the bitter herb, prepare to be met with a bitter verb like “FUCK!” as in, “Here, take this salt, take this bucket of water, and get the FUCK out of my kitchen!”. If you fancy yourself more of a Private Pyle, you’ll likely be downgraded to the easiest job in the book: making the saltwater. If you can’t handle that, prepare to have a Tallis thrown over you and to be beaten senseless with horseradish roots by the rest of your family until you beg, “DAYENU!” (Hebrew for: enough!).
Vestige- a trace of something that no longer exists or is disappearing; a relic
Ex: The Shteinburgers managed to successfully adhere to Passover kashrut laws at their all-inclusive, goy-exclusive resort in Boca Raton, a vestige of suburban American Jewry in the 20th century. Every Passover, they would migrate down to Boca with the other Jewish families from their area. Legend has it if you peer up into the sky in mid-April, you’ll see a flock of big-beaked birds in white button down shirts desperately flapping one of their arms while gripping tight to their yarmulkes with the other. As they passed overhead, you could hear cries of, “Ow! My arm is getting sore! When are we going to be there!” and, “I’m hungry! Can we stop for a bagel?”
I have a lisp but didn't know that Moses had a lisp! Whoa!