Sunday Story- Skullduggery Pt.2: Brooding

If you missed part 1, or if you just need a refresher, go check out Skullduggery Pt. 1

PART 2

Brooding- appearing darkly menacing

Ex:

As parker gripped the hand, the ground beneath them trembled and quaked. Fault lines in the floor turned to small cracks. Small cracks turned into larger cracks, which began to separate. Lisa held tight to her kids and tried to maintain her footing as a gap opened up between her feet. The family began to do a split in unison until they could stretch no further. They were sent tumbling into the pitch-black abyss below. They landed, but not with a thud, as they were cushioned by…grass, tall grass rising out of soft topsoil. Lisa frantically checked to see if anyone was hurt in the fall. They were uninjured. Scared, confused, but all in one piece.

Their eyes slowly adjusted to the dim light. They looked around themselves at a sort of nether-farm, a dystopian replica of the farm that stood a few meters above their heads. They heard anguished cries coming from the brooding orchards in the distance. “Mom, are we in hell?” asked Parker. If his Catholic school education had succeeded in teaching him one thing, Lisa would have preferred math over guilt, but she had learned long ago that you take what you can get with a spastic ADHD child. She quickly dismissed Parker’s inquiry. She looked up above them, where the cracks had now closed back up. Of course they had. Her thoughts sped past her like stock cars firing past the flagger at a Nascar race. What to do, what to do? The option that scared her the most also seemed the most promising. So she decided they would head towards the noises, the voices coming from somewhere deep within the orchard.

The family strode side by side quickly and purposefully through the grass field and towards the trees. The cries grew louder and more desperate. They were now accompanied by maniacal laughter. Someone in there was having a grand ole time at the others’ expense. “Get behind me and stay completely silent.” Lisa said to her children. Her husband took a peek at his phone, “Motherfucker” he whispered. It was 4:07 and he had no cell service with which to use the NFL Network app. Lisa mouthed the words “are you serious?” to him. He shrugged, and put his phone back in his pocket. These morons were going to get them all killed, she just knew it.

They crept through the lines of trees, pausing to briefly examine the fruit, which was unlike anything they had ever seen in the above-ground world. Hanging off the branches were giant bananas with a candy corn color gradient. Before Lisa could grab Parker’s collar, he was already reaching up into the trees to pluck one of them off. “Parker!” She sunk her nails into his arm and ripped the tricolor banana from his hands. “Oh but mom, can we please, please at least see what it looks like inside?!” pleaded Parker. “Fine, I’ll open it. But no matter what it contains, we’re not going to eat it. God knows what will happen if we ingest this thing. It looks poisonous!” answered Lisa, the voice of reason. “Amen. God does know. He knows everything.” Replied Parker, the hyper little altar boy. He wasn’t even being a smart ass, he had really taken to the teachings of his lord and savior. There was a shudder in his voice though, as if seeming to suggest that God even knew about that thing that happened in the bible closet.

Lisa held the tip of the banana and slowly peeled it open. Inside the fruit was what appeared to be pumpkin pie filling in the shape of a banana. It looked delicious, but it surely wasn’t worth the risk. Lisa was just about to toss the banana onto the ground when she turned to look at her husband, who was deepthroating a pumpkin-pie-nana of his own. “Are you KIDDING ME!!!!” She jabbed her fist into her husband’s Adam’s apple, causing him to spit up the pumpkin pieces onto her face, which she wiped off slowly with the back of her hand. “That’s IT! I’m DONE paying for your NFL Redzone subscription. DONE!” she screamed. In all this commotion, the family had forgotten to remain quiet. They heard a voice booming out over a loudspeaker. Or maybe it was the voice of God, thought Parker to himself. “Somebody has tasted the offerings of Farmer Freddy’s latest harvest. I hope you have enjoyed my produce. The effects should kick in shortly.”

Before the family could even process whose voice it was that they were hearing, and where it may have been coming from, Lisa’s husband dropped to the ground like a sack of golden russets. The family rushed over to him in shock. Lisa searched for a pulse that she could not locate. Just then, there was another message from the celestial voice. “Don’t worry about him. It’s too late. One of my minions will arrive soon to dispose of his body.” What was left of the family huddled together, half crying, half panicking. A little man who looked like an oompa loompa fucked an acorn squash appeared in front of them with a wheelbarrow. “Excuse me” he said in a meek voice, with an expressionless look on his face. Lisa grabbed the little munchkin and demanded answers. “WHAT IS HAPPENING?!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HUSBAND!???” The grotesque little autumn creature simply pushed Lisa away, scooped up her husband with remarkable ease for a being of his stature, and placed him into his wheelbarrow. He rolled away down the line of trees, in the same direction of the laughter and sanguinary cries that the family had heard earlier. Parker tugged as his mom’s jeans and looked up at her through terrified blue eyes. “Mom, was that the devil? Is he dragging daddy into hell?” Lisa, who was beyond offering any comfort at this point, responded, “I’m not sure, but we’re about to find out.”

Lisa grabbed parker’s hand and began to stride with purpose after the great value oompa loompa. Trees with a myriad of brightly assorted fruit flashed by them as they moved swiftly through the orchard. They caught up to within 20 yards of the wheelbarrow, pausing to watch as the little gremlin man turned a knob on a black door on a large black wall at the end of the orchard. As he opened up the door, the pained wails and demonic laughter spilled out from within, and then were quickly swallowed up as the door swung shut behind the man. The family’s anxiety reached a fever pitch. Lisa took a moment to catch her breath and then began to creep towards the door, with Parker seeking refuge behind her, using her as a sort of meat shield (I’ve been told since that Lisa did not appreciate being referred to as meat shield, and would have preferred the term protein protector). Lisa took hold of the black diamond door handle, turned it, and pushed on the door ever so slightly, opening it one millimeter at a time. When just enough of a slit was opened for her to peer in with one eye, it took all of her strength for her not to scream in audible horror. Inside the room lay a stack of lifeless men piled on top of one another almost to the height of the ceiling. They all looked rather shlumpy and disheveled and many were wearing oversized NFL jerseys with barbecue sauce stains, her husband included. She leaned a little further forward, further forward, further forward, and then slip! She lost her footing and sent the door flying wide open as her and Parker went face down on the floor inside the room. Lisa picked her head up and looked to her left. She saw a gaggle of the oompa loompa figures stepping on grapes and other fruit in giant basins. She turned to her right and saw the tiny gourd men screaming in pain as they ran on hamster wheels in thick wool socks, with tubes running from their feet into various buckets of fruits, nuts, and grains.

“Lisa! So you’ve finally decided to join me, I see!” Cried a familiar voice from the center of the room. Lisa turned to face a large man with denim overalls and a floppy straw hat sitting in a rocking chair. Farmer Freddy. He looked exactly as he had on all the labels in the food barn.

“What did you do to my husband!?” asked Lisa furiously.

“Oh, him? Him and all those other useless slobs? Well, they were getting in between me and their fair ladies. So, I simply had to take action. I had to remove them from the picture somehow. What better way to do that than with my fruit? Nobody can resist Farmer Freddy’s produce.” Responded Freddy with an evil glint in his eye.

“You’re a MONSTER. Who are all of these minions? Rather, what are they? The results of some fucked up science experiment!? Did you impregnate a show pumpkin at a state fair? They look hideous!”

*one of the minions stops stomping on grapes and lets out a squeaky response* “Hey! My name is Gregory. And I’m 1/8 zucchini, thank you very much!”

Lisa turned back to Freddy, “And what is it with you and feet!? Why do all your products involve feet in some way!?”

Farmer Freddy rose up from his rocking chair and began heading in Lisa’s direction. Parker trembled as he clung to Lisa’s leg.

“Now now, Lisa. No time to explain. Come to Freddy. Let me see what those little footsies look like up close.”

Lisa scrambled back to the door to try to escape. She was unable to turn the handle. It was locked. With nowhere to run to, two of the choompa floompas grabbed her and held her in place as Freddy bent down towards her feet.

“STOP IT! STOP IT!” Lisa screamed as she struggled to free herself.

Farmer Freddy pulled off one of her shoes and began to inspect her foot. “Lovely. A finer set of phalanges I have never seen before.”

Just then, Parker was able to wriggle out of the grasp of one of the minions. He clawed at Farmer Freddy’s face, slicing one of his corneas “OW! You little rascal!” Freddy pushed Parker away but before the minions could grab him again, he launched himself at Freddy, threw off his straw hat, and yanked on his hair. Instead of being met with resistance, Parker was easily able to rip the hair away, and, with it, Farmer Freddy’s entire scalp and face. It was a mask. Farmer Freddy threw his arms up to shield his real form, but it was too late. Lisa had been forced to sit through too much Sunday football to not know who was standing in front of her.

“Former NFL head coach with a very public foot fetish REX RYAN!” screamed Lisa. “It all makes sense now! The love of snacks, (see Rex Ryan’s infamous “let’s go eat a goddamn snack!” video) the obsession with feet, it had to be you!”

“And I would have gotten away with it if too if it weren’t for you meddling bitch!”

Parker and Lisa high fived.

Gregory said “Like zoinks!”

And Velma was now in the top .001% on OnlyFans.

Fin.