Scurrilous- making or spreading scandalous claims about someone with the intention of damaging their reputation
Ex: “James, do you know why we called you down to the office?”
“Was it the locker room thing? If so, I can explain. I had a black coffee that morning and I never drink black coffee and it was kind of an emergency and well…Glen’s bag was right there, and I didn’t want to mess up the floor because I know how hard the janitors work…”
“STOP IT! James, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but clearly we’re going to have to circle back to that later. We’re here to discuss the scurrilous remarks you have been circulating about one of the longest tenured and most respected members of our staff: our beloved lunch lady Mrs. Pazycyzyzycsky.”
*James gulps*
*Vice principal Sphincteri pulls out a folded sheet of legal pad paper from his shirt pocket and places it on the table in front of him*
“I was planning on reading these to you, but I find some of these statements too repulsive to repeat. So, James, I’m going to have you read these out loud to me.”
“Oh…okay…are you sure we have to do this? Can’t you just give me a detention or something?”
“No, James, I want you to read what’s on the paper”
*James clears his throat and begins to read hesitantly at a barely audible level*
“I heard that Mrs. Pazycyzyzycsky”
“Speak up, James!”
*James, louder now*
“I heard that Mrs. Pazycyzyzycsky keeps Kielbasa in her purse, that lard-assed Polak balloon animal. She keeps a glasses case in there, but don’t be fooled, it’s just filled with pierogis. Oh, come on principal Sphyncteri! Do I really have to do this?”
“Keep reading, James!”
“Here’s my impression of that Polish witch Mrs. Pazycyzyzycsky on wheel of fortune, ‘I would like to buy a vowel!’”
*Vice principal Sphyncteri lets out a half-laugh that he tries to play off as a cough*
“What are you looking at? Keep reading!”
“Why did Mrs. Pazycyzyzycsky cross the road? Her dick was stuck in the chicken!”
*Vice principal Sphyncteri giggles and then full on belly laughs. He slaps his knee and wipes tears from his eyes*
“Aw, man, that’s good stuff! Get out of here you goofball!”
“So, I’m not in trouble?”
“No you’re not in trouble!”
“So, I can leave?”
“Get out of here, go back to class!”
*James gets up and heads for the door. He turns the knob and is halfway into the hall when the vice principal yells*
“Hold it right there! Did you allude to taking a shit in someone else’s knapsack?”