Querulous- complaining in a whining manner
Ex: The querulous customer at the fruit market was quick to point out minor flaws in any of the myriad of fruits comprising the colorful palette in the wicker baskets in front of him. He was raised on GMO produce and, to the shock of exactly nobody else besides him, the fruit at the market was organic and locally sourced. From left to right there sat plump green watermelons, sun-kissed bright orange papayas, cantaloupe that looked like the gargantuan, shaved balls of some large pre-human hominid species, plums so deep purple if you put one up to your ear you could hear the “Smoke on the Water” riff playing, peaches as fuzzy as the upper lip of an Indian middle schooler, pineapples in larger quantities than you’d find at a Jamaican swinger’s resort, and an assortment of apples: gala, pink lady, fuji, and a new hybrid called the “Granny Delicious” which was the result of a cross between a Granny Smith and a golden delicious and also happens to be what I now call Martha Stewart after she graced the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit cover last year (yowza!).
Instead of seeing the fruit for its beauty, the customer only noticed the blemishes. He turned over a Granny Delicious in his hands and pressed his thumb into a dime-sized soft spot in the apple’s skin, muttering the word “disgusting” under his breath before returning the apple to the basket. Noticing this, the man behind the stand looked at the customer quizzically and asked him, “What’s wrong? You don’t like my fruit?”
To which the customer replied, “Do you have anything that doesn’t have marks all over it?”
“Stop whining, man up and take a bite. That’s a gold medal apple right there. Literally, we took home first place in the hybrid category at this years’ Apple Cup in Tacoma”
“I don’t know man, it looks pretty gross. Is it anything like a honeycrisp? I only eat honeycrisps”
“It’s better. Seriously, take a bite.”
*The customer tentatively bites into the juicy flesh of the apple. You can see the muscles on his face loosen and his eyes become brighter and wider as he chews*
“Woah. That’s delicious.”
“Granny Delicious, in fact”
“How do you get it to taste like that?”
“It’s all in the seed, man. They don’t call me Johnny Appleseed for nothing!”
“Don’t you mean seeds? As in, more than one seed? Because you said seed.”
“Yea, seed. I meant to say seed. As in, that’s Johnny Appleseed’s seed that you just ate. That’s why it tastes so good.”
“What…the fuck are you saying?”
“You know what I’m saying, man! How do you think I got the salty aftertaste?”
“DUDE! Are you for real? You’re sick! I’m…I’m gonna be sick! You’re evil!”
“Get seeded, broski!”
*Johnny Appleseed flips to the next number on his seed counter scorecard. He is now at 443 people seeded this year*
Bwahahaha! 🤣😂