Paddington the Bear on Talk Tuah, Zyns: The New Miralax
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Talk Tuah- A podcast run by a former crack baby, crypto rug puller, and viral sensation (all the same person) that discusses such intellectual topics as: which blue collar job is the hottest? How do you fill the twelve-hour gap in your day now that Tik-Tok is banned? And, what happens when we stick this fork in an electrical socket? Recently, Paddington the Bear was on Talk Tuah to promote his latest movie, Paddington in Peru. Let’s take a look at how that went down.
Paddington: “Hi Miss Tuah, thanks for having me on your show!”
Hawk Tuah: “Hi Paddington, thanks for stopping by! Let’s get into it, shall we? I heard you have a movie coming to theaters next week.”
Paddington: “That is correct. It’ll be playing in theaters nationwide. Get your tickets early, I can’t promise they’ll be around for long!”
Hawk Tuah: “And what can audiences expect from the film? Is there a pookie involved?”
Paddington: “Excuse me?”
Hawk Tuah: “A pookie, like a love interest. Someone you want to hawk tuah, spit on your thang!”
*Paddington shoots one of his trademark hard stares at his manager, who shrugs*
Paddington: “This is a children’s film, Miss Tuah. Maybe we could discuss some of the interesting plot points, such as how I go searching for the lost city of El Dorado in Peru.”
Hawk Tuah: “Well, Paddington, that sounds cool and all, but my audience might not know what Peru is. Could you explain that to them?”
Paddington: “You want me to…to explain what Peru is?”
Hawk Tuah: “Yes, that would be great.”
Paddington: “Well, Peru is a country in South…are you serious?”
Hawk Tuah: “Super serious. Hawk Tuah, spit on that thang!”
*Paddington rips off his headphones and stands up out of his chair*
Hawk Tuah: “Wait, Paddy, sit back down! We were just getting started. I was about to ask if what they say about spectacled bears is true. You know, the thing they say about marmalade and libido.”
Paddington: “I’m sorry, this isn’t what I expected. I’ll be leaving now, Miss Tuah, if that’s alright.”
Hawk Tuah: “Wait! If you sit back down I’ll airdrop you some Hawk Tuah coin!”
*Paddington storms past his manager and out of the studio. His manager gives a sheepish grin to Hawk Tuah before bolting out of the room to flag down Paddington*
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Zyns- After the shocking revelation that vaping unregulated nicotine devices produced in seedy factories in China might not be great for you, the nicotine-addicted populace has turned to a new method of smoke-free buzzing by the cryptic name of zyn. Zyns are little pouches of concentrated nicotine and powdered mule cum that come in different strengths according to how much they hurt your stomach and make you need to shit. The weakest ones are 3mg, which, when packed into your lip like an old timey baseball player, will have you wide-stepping to the office bathroom to re-case that Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage into its original cylindrical log form. Step it up to 6mg and it’ll feel like you’ve come down with the norovirus, but man will that buzz be sweet. You’ll be bent over the toilet expelling your lunch from both ends, all the while your brain will be on the tropical beach where they film the Corona commercials cheers-ing a lime-wedge garnished bottle with Snoop Dogg as you lay on twin day beds under the island sun. Collect enough zyn cans and you’ll be able to use the points to redeem sick merchandise from the zyn online store. One of the most sought after zyn products is a zyn Yeti cup that you may fill up with black coffee to turbo-charge the diuretic effects of the zyns. Another popular redeemable is a zyn Imodium prescription. However, the ultimate zyn collector’s item, which requires thousands of tickets to unlock, is a zyn brand intra-rectal catheter that may be inserted into your ass so that you may pop zyns all day without fear of blowing a hole in your undies. “I just packed an upper-decker zyn, now I feel the need to take an upper-decker in my unsuspecting friend’s toilet.”