Oprah and Elie Wiesel at Auschwitz

Reminder: I am now offering paid subscriptions.Nothing will be behind a paywall, so all subscriptions will essentially count as donations. Please consider supporting me this holiday season :)

---

O

Oprah and Elie Wiesel at Auschwitz-

What was intended to be a harrowing, emotional return to the site of Elie Wiesel’s Night took a turn for the…well, let’s just say, a turn for the Oprah. As Elie was coldly describing the brutal dehumanization that occurred in the barracks, the gas chambers, and the ovens, Oprah was busy figuring out the ways in which to hug and caress Elie that would best highlight her compassion and further cement her status as the worlds’ most empathetic—and certainly not self-centered—philanthropic billionaire.

“Oprah, look there, that is where I witnessed little children lined up, gunned down, and thrown into mass graves” Elie remarks coldly as Oprah runs her fingertips up and down his back and whispers, “Does this give you the chills?” in Elie’s ear.

“Oprah, this is the building where they cooked and served us the flavorless soup and stale bread that was the weak thread connecting us to the land of the living. It was awful, but we didn’t care. Any food was treated like the mana that rained down on the Israelites when they escaped Egypt and were forced to wander the desert for forty years. Calories were like little miracles to us. We were all skin and bones. Walking corpses, really.”

Oprah puts her arm around Elie’s shoulders and rubs his upper arm, “Well certainly not anymore, Elie. These biceps, my god. You could probably sling me over your shoulder and walk away with me right now if you wanted.”

“Oprah, these are the shoes of every man, woman, and child that entered the camps. Really puts the terrifying scope of this atrocity into perspective, doesn’t it?” Elie informs Oprah, who squeezes different parts of Elie’s thighs, each squeeze getting progressively closer to his crotch, “Does this make you nervous?”

“Not nervous, but it helps to be reminded that it is a scary possibility. We are not that far removed from this happening. In fact, it still happens in certain parts of the world today.”

“I meant the squeezing, baby”

“We can’t air any of this, this doesn’t feel right”

“Oh, we’re going to air it. You bet your geriatric Jewish ass we’re going to air it”

Elie looks up into the sky and throws his hands towards the heavens, “Never shall I forget those moments in the camps, and now these new moments with Oprah, which murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to dust! Never shall I forget these things, even if I am condemned to live as long as God himself!”