Omelet from The Bear
Omelet from The Bear- Three eggs whose existence is a glorious testament to the natural bounty of this green and blue rock floating in space were just turned into one man’s shitty attempt at recreating the omelet from The Bear. Billions of years of almost statistically impossible evolution involving just the right amount of chemical ingredients, temperature, and time, all culminated in this man’s use of the wrong amount of each ingredient, the incorrect cooking temperature, and much too much time, resulting in a limp, sad omelet, which looked and tasted nothing like Ayo Edibiri’s finished product from the show. Unicellular organisms turned into multicellular organisms, which evolved into sea anemones, then jellyfish, who eventually grew fins and turned into regular fish, who then developed hard plated armor and big teeth and became crocodiles, who left the water and grew even more fearsome, becoming dinosaurs, who then were mostly wiped out, but the smaller ones amongst them survived and became birds, and eventually chickens, who developed for another couple of hundred thousand years, eventually being manipulated by homo sapiens for the nutrients present in their reproductive material, resulting in their enhanced production of eggs, which homo sapiens harvested and used to grow big and strong, until eventually one lonely, pathetic loser of a man took three of those eggs and absolutely botched the omelet from The Bear.
Travel Acquaintances- These are the people you meet briefly during a vacation and end up following on social media for years and years to come. Eventually enough time passes that you are unable to recall where and when you met them. Maybe he was the country singer with the lisp on the girls’ trip to Nashville? Or wait, no, was it that guy who kept making insensitive comments on the Boston Duck Tour who bought you and your friends a sixer of Bud Heavy and a fifth of Jamison when you were underage? Either way, he’s now getting married to the girl that he posted a, “Happy six months, babe” Instagram about soon after your trip. It seemed to be the right time to pop the question, especially considering the Instagram story announcing her pregnancy two months ago. For somebody you only really had one hazy interaction with, you’re pretty damn invested in his life. Oh wait, that’s right! He was the baseball card authenticator who sold you a nitrous balloon outside of the Foo Fighters’ concert in Columbus. Well, let’s hope him and his wife have a mint condition marriage that lasts “Everlong” and that his son/daughter proves as valuable as a t206 Honus Wagner card!
Xeroxing Buttocks- The original office prank. Pull down your khaki slacks and bunny hop that pasty ass onto the copying machine, because you’re about to make tens, maybe even hundreds of prints of your own buttcheeks for your coworkers to discover once they return to work following the OSHA shutdown of your company after Parkinson’s Perry’s hospitalization from falling off the top rung of a ladder in the stockroom. He didn’t have any proper PPE on, and nobody was there to stabilize the base of the ladder while he was operating it. You figure everyone will be in need of some old-fashioned mood lightening when they get back in on Monday. Whether they like it or not, they’ll be treated to both black and whites of your bum and a bad case of pink eye thanks to the Xerox machine spotted with flecks of fecal matter like some sort of mechanical android cheetah developed by Boston Dynamics.
Man, these are some word trips, man...