Next Generation Fruits, Part 2: Mellifluous

I’ll be away on vacation this week, so no new posts until I return (eta: July 15th)

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Mellifluous- sweet and musical; pleasant to hear

Next Generation Fruits, Part 2:

Ex: Come with me as I stroll through my garden of otherworldly delights. Look around you. These are the fruits of the future. Listen to the mellifluous sounds of branches swaying in the breeze, of bumblebees buzzing as they flutter on by and settle on fluffy, colorful petals. Smell the salty, smoky scent of meat being cured, as we bought a plot of land next to a jerky factory to save money. This is Next Generation Fruits, Part 2:

Holistic Crisp Apple: You know the saying an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Well this red, psychedelic apple quite literally turns you away from western medical practices in favor of eastern, holistic approaches. Herniate a disk while bending down to pluck one of these off the tree? Fear not, one bite of this apple and you’ll be lying face down at an acupuncturist listening to Ravi Shankar’s greatest hits. If that doesn’t heal your back, try sipping from any one of the thirty murky bottles of animal genitalia suspended in viscous, olive colored liquid. It may not heal your back, but it’ll sure kick your ED to the curb!

Token Black Cherry: We know you and your crew of white bread warriors typically only roll with the pale cherries and lighter fruits at your picnics. But why not mix in a token black cherry? It’s 2024. Not only will this give you more street cred, but it also ups your chances of having a well-seasoned potato salad by 250%. If a pickup basketball game breaks out, you’ll probably be glad you have a token black cherry with you.

Rizzberry: All the kids are talking about “rizz” these days. What is rizz? It’s short for charisma. Are you struggling with talking to women? Can’t go longer than two sentences without bringing up advanced baseball statistics or your one rep maxes at the gym? Eat a handful of red rizzberries and you’ll be getting more female attention than the employee working the lipstick section at an Ulta Beauty. After just a few days of eating rizzberries, you’ll start to notice your receding hairline returning to its original location far, far away from the crown of your head. You may even start writing a semi-successful substack newsletter, the ultimate panty-dropper!

Strawberry-Rhubarb: This one is long overdue. Has anyone ever even eaten a piece of rhubarb outside of a strawberry rhubarb pie? I sure as hell haven’t. Rhubarb looks like a sunburnt celery stalk and tastes like battery acid. That is unless you pour mounds of sugar over it and pair it with some summer strawberries. Our latest offering here at Filthy Easy Fruits is a rhubarb root that tastes like a tart strawberry. Wait. I just found out that rhubarb is a vegetable. I’ve been eating vegetable pies this whole time? Quick, hand me over a couple of poisonous rhubarb leaves, I don’t think I can live with myself anymore.

Pizza Place Side Salad Tomato: The last entry had me thinking, what should be a vegetable, but is actually a fruit? A tomato. While the obvious genetic modification here would be to make tomatoes sweeter and more fruit-like, we have decided to take an alternative path. We are working on a new strain of tomatoes that grow into rough-chopped quarters, a rushed preparation that you commonly see in a local pizza joint’s side salad. Let’s save Mario the trouble of having to make two whole cuts of a tomato when a family of four decides that a salad is going to somehow reverse the fattening effects of two large pepperoni pies.

Watermelon Vape: This one is for all the nicotine addicted teens who can’t stomach organic produce but don’t hesitate to inhale fruity formaldehyde clouds in the dry-goods closet of their culinary classroom. This nicotine infused watermelon, which comes in 3mg, 6mg, and 12mg strengths, promises to keep you both hydrated and buzzed all summer long. If you can’t keep your kids from vaping, at least compromise by getting some fruit into their chicken-finger heavy diets. We do not take responsibility for your recovering pack-a-day smoker uncle accidentally chowing down on this melon at a family reunion and spiraling back into his bad habits, eventually leading him to becoming homeless and renting his holes out for Camel Crushes under the overpass.