Next Generation Fruits, Part 1: Besotted

Next Generation Fruits, Part 1:

Besotted- infatuated or deeply in love with something

Ex: Prepare to become besotted with this dazzling array of next generation fruits, coming soon to a grocery store near you. GMO capabilities have advanced to the point where these fruits, long considered genetically impossible to produce, are now in the realm of possible produce.

Upside Down Pineapple: This new pineapple variant grows in an inverted manner, with the leaves at the bottom of the fruit, eliminating the need to physically flip over the pineapple and hang it outside your front door to send a message to your neighbors that yes, you are in fact swingers, and you are welcome to any and all guests, preferably those wearing banana hammocks (not a fruit).

Extra Fuzzy Peach: Gone are the days of comparing the hairy skin of a peach to an Indian Middle Schooler’s mustache. When ripe, this peach’s outer layer is covered in a thick salt and pepper handlebar mustache. Aviators not included.

Honeydew That Doesn’t Suck: This one is pretty self-explanatory. No need to pick chunks of this out of your fruit salad and/or continental breakfast fruit cup.

Super Laxative Dates: This one has the diuretic effect of a natural date, except ratcheted up to the tenth degree. Pop one of these bad boys and you’ll be dropping more logs than a forest fire. Mix in a couple into your next smoothie and you’ll be squirting out brown water like a fire hydrant in Flint.

Four Loko Plum: Some deranged food scientist thought it would be a good idea to infuse Four Loko into a plum. Bring a few of these to your next cookout and you’ll be singing the Star Spangled Banner as you jump off the roof and miss the pool entirely. The creators of this alcoholic fruit are not liable for any damage resulting from the fight that you’ll inevitably get into with your girlfriend’s dad where you form tackle him into the grill.

Banana Phone: Ring ring ring ring, banana phone! Featuring a state of the art 4K touch screen, three cameras, and a holographic keyboard, you may not want to eat this tech geek’s phallic wet dream. Save big when you buy a bunch of banana phones for the whole family to enjoy! For the low price of $1299, you and your clan of bipedal apes can speak through a piece of fruit. Prepare to be the talk of the town with your brand-new banana phone. Disclaimer: that talk might be centered around concerns that you are all schizophrenic.

Chocolate Raisins: We know what you’re thinking. It’s just a raisin covered in chocolate. Boring! Well think again. This raisin isn’t enrobed in chocolate, but rather it has the consistency and taste of chocolate built into it. We’ve all bit into an oatmeal raisin cookie and wondered why the raisins couldn’t just be chocolate chips. Well with the new chocolate raisin, that is no longer a problem. This one isn’t even really a fruit. It has more in common with a Snickers bar than a grape. If that is a concern for you then take out your hair curlers, put in your dentures, and just go buy some regular raisins from the store, you fucking loser!