Lip Balm, Manopause, Jeep Wave

L

Lip Balm- Ah yes, the way to refer to chapstick so as not to conjure up the image of a Golden Retriever’s penis. There’s something emasculating about applying lip balm, but if you forego it altogether you end up with cracked, dusty Jay Z lips, so I guess I’ll keep applying it. I won’t let my fragile masculinity get in the way of self-care and common sense, as it does in the case of the men who wear only shorts year-round, and in a similar subset of men who won’t wear pink or say I love you to their grandmothers in public. Lip balm comes in many flavors such as juicy watermelon, Newport Menthol 100’s, and oral herpes orange.

M

Manopause- A period in the middle section of a man’s life in which he can only muster up an erection in response to the smell of smoked meats. Manopausal men may experience hot flashes when consuming scotch on the rocks and yelling at their television sets. Dramatic mood swings are also common during manopause, but they occur within the much narrower range of male emotional responses. This means that men may go from being slightly annoyed about something their boss said at work and their kid did at home, to very annoyed about something their boss said at work and their kid did at home in a matter of seconds. “What’s up with Greg? I was just talking to him about work and then all of a sudden he seemed pissed off, muttered something about having to check the meat probe on his 14-hour brisket, and then stormed off to the Traeger Grill” “He’s going through manopause, didn’t you see the six fingers of whiskey in his rocks glass?”

J

Jeep Wave- A form of non-verbal communication used when two washed up frat bros driving overpriced, modded out Wranglers pass each other on the road. Bryson, in a matte black doorless Wrangler, reaches a tanned, sleeveless arm out of the driver side door hole to jeep wave to Kyle, who is barreling down the road in a silver extreme sport edition Wrangler complete with neon lights and a vanity plate reading, “SENDIT”. As they pass each other, their wave becomes even more intense, as they realize that they are both listening to Morgan Wallen’s “Last Night” on their shitty, bass-boosted stereo systems. They both have the YETI logo on their rear spare tire holders, and they both are known to tear up when listening to the national anthem. “Look at these two gigachads jeep waving at one another. I bet their heads bash into their roofs when they hit that speed bump since any elevated road feature affects a Wrangler infinitely more than a reasonably well-made car.”