Jentacular

Jentacular- relating to breakfast

Ex: After catching wind of the Kelce bros’ collaboration with General Mills, which yielded the “Kelce Mix”, a combination of Reese’s Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Lucky Charms, I have yet to come across a single jentacular combination that doesn’t suck as much. With all due disrespect, the “Kelce Mix” sounds like what a deeply, deeply impoverished youth concocts on his first (and only) visit to an Econo Lodge continental breakfast bar. “How is your breakfast?” Asks the child’s mom, a daytime textile factory worker and late-night Popeye’s cashier. “Yummy” wheezes the child through exasperated, asthmatic breaths— a result of the asbestos that permeates the walls of his Section 8 housing. Toothpaste and OJ is a decidedly better combination than those three cereals. Two thirds of those cereals are great on their own (CTC and R double E E, ses P U F F S), but one of them is just grainy mule shit with freeze dried unicorn kidney stones. When you combine all three flavors— peanut butter, cinnamon, and… faintly fruity leprechaun callouses? — you actually produce a product that is devoid of a specific flavor, and instead just tastes like pig slop. After eating a bowl of “Kelce Mix”, good luck having a bright, productive start to your day! Most likely you’ll be stuck on the shitter hunched over an abused copy of the March 5, 2009 issue of Rolling Stone crying teardrops on Taylor Swift’s guitar in a feature piece where she discusses writing “Teardrops on My Guitar”. The nutritional value of the Kelce mix is nonexistent, so if you consume enough of it you’ll probably begin to look like Jason Kelce. Why don’t you just be a normal, functioning member of society and pop a zyn and drink some black coffee. You’ll feel better that way, and at least you’ll be in and out of the bathroom in true Travis Kelce fashion: with one explosive movement.