Hey There, Shania and other Encyclopedia Content
Hey There Delilah- A hit song released in 2005 by the Plain White T’s. The song spawned many parodies, including the catchy and insensitive, “Hey There Khalilah”, featuring lyrics such as “Hey there, Khalilah, what’s it like in Baghdad City?”. Who says it’s too late for another parody? Here I go:
Hey there Shania, how’s life in the big city?
I’m also here right now, but girl, my life’s not as pretty
I work at the zoo
The patina on the germy worn-down stair railings can’t shine as bright as you, I swear it’s true.
Hey there Shania, don’t you worry about subsistence,
Might not afford whole foods, but my break room has Entenmann’s and it smells like poo,
Oh yes, like poo.
Ohhhh, it’s how you looked at meeee
When I was cleaning up after the monkeyyysss
Ohhhh, were you even looking at meeee
Or were you looking at the monkeyyysss?
Ohhhh, now that I think about it you weren’t even looking at meeee
You were looking at the monkeyyysss
Hey there Shania, times for me are getting hard
But I’ll treat you to a candlelight dinner once I get back my impounded car
Oh yes I will
As long as we split the bill
Hey there Shania, oh yes, we’ll have quite a time!
I’m in the foostamp line sipping malt liquor, trying to haggle for cooking wine
To share with you
Can’t make marsala, but I’ll get piss-drunk and make ragu
And you’ll say “phew. I’m so glad I dumped my finance bro boyfriend to be with you”
TO BE WITH YOU!!!!
OHHHHH IT’S WHAT YOU DO TO MEEEEEEE
OHHHHH DO YOU KNOW EVEN KNOW THAT I EXIST?
OHHHHH COME BACK TO THE ZOOO SOOOOONNNN
OHHHHH OR I’M GONNA JUMP IN THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE
Foraging- Unless you are a well-known chef who aims to highlight the natural bounty of the woods surrounding his or her restaurant, why are you bothering with the foraging? Apart from the obvious risks of eating a poisonous mushroom, you are also putting yourself at risk of becoming over-reliant on herbal treatments for very real ailments, having more tree friends than human friends, wearing overalls in public, and posting pictures from poetry books on your Instagram story. It’s also 2024. Just reach out and grab what advances in agricultural technology have extended to us: grocery stores stocked to the brim with pears that taste like frost glacier freeze Gatorade, kiwis the size of moose testicles, romaine lettuce that doesn’t make you want to choke out your wife. Stop with the foraging. You’re not impressing anyone.
Neighborhood Watch- The neighborhood watch, a surveillance unit comprised of lonely widows and paranoid agoraphobics, has caught me smoking homemade apple bongs in the cul-de-sac more times than I’d like to admit. Their success rate at preventing harmless, petty crimes is quite impressive, but they lack the ability to prevent more serious offenses such as car-jackings and the stealing of my life-size cast iron sculpture of RFK Jr. fireman’s carrying a bear carcass. Seriously, if anyone has seen this sculpture please dial the number at the back of this book. I miss my sweet, guttural-voiced prince. I just hope my monument to the ultimate man’s man is in the safe hands of a flat-earther, who will surely give him the loving home he deserves.