Foofaraw

Thank you to

Thalia The Muse of Comedy 🎭

for the inspiration. Thalia said I should write about speed-limits. So I went full speed ahead.

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Foofaraw- a great fuss about something insignificant

Ex: I continue to be bothered by state troopers making a foofaraw out of me going just a bit over the speed limit with a BAC that’s just a bit over the legal limit.

“Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

“Pretty fast, my guy. This is a twin turbo V8 engine. You don’t buy this car if you’re going to have a sissy foot on the gas pedal.”

“You were doing 102 in a 45. That’s more than double the speed limit, which constitutes reckless driving.”

“And do you know how long it took me to reach 102? Just under 5 seconds. That’s German engineering, bucko.”

“You could have killed someone, or yourself for that matter.”

“Well I definitely made a lady faint earlier when I peeled off in this cherry red minx”

“Concerning. Where exactly were you leaving from?”

“Your mom’s house. She makes a mean lasagna, and the hot coffee after the meal wasn’t too bad either, if you catch my drift!” * Goes in for a knuckle touch *

“Step out of the vehicle NOW!”

“Alright, alright!”

“Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Yea, I split a sauvignon with your hottie mom”

“DO YOU WANT TO GO TO JAIL?”

“That’ll be the second time I’ve been cuffed tonight. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree it seems. And what a fine tree she was. I was wrapped around that tall, majestic elm like ivy. She couldn’t peel me off if she tried.”

“GET ON THE GROUND! HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK!”

*Ring, ring, ring! *

“Officer, can you answer that for me? It’s an emergency!”

*The officer reaches across the driver’s seat and flips over the phone. It’s a name he recognizes very well. He answers. *

“Sherry?”

“Samuel, is that you? You sound different”

“Mom, it’s Greg. I have your ‘friend’ here in cuffs. He was doing about a hundred after leaving your house. Some choice in men you have, ma!”

“Cuffs, huh? That’s funny.”

“That’s not funny! None of this is funny! This A-hole was driving like a maniac! He was putting himself- and more importantly other people- at risk!”

“Don’t talk about my Samuel like that! He’s a very giving guy. Wink-wink. And have you seen his car? Yowza!”

“Mom, did you just say wink wink? Gross. And yes, I’ve seen his car. It’s very nice. Very German. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s going to spend the night in jail.”

“Gregory Vanderpimple Josephstein, you release that man this instant!”

“Yea pimple boy, you heard your mom. Release me or you’ll be in big trouble young man!” I chime in from the pavement under Greg’s knee. He digs it further into my ribcage.

“Oh Samuel, is that you? Is he hurting you, darling? Gregory, are you hurting my Samuel? My little finch? Ca-caw, Ca-caw!”

“Ca-caw, Ca-caw!” I croak with what breath remains in my squashed lungs.

“EW! You know what, mom? You can have this peacocking douchenozzle. I’m letting him go. You have to come get him though.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you Gregory! I’ll be there soon. And I’ll see you home later tonight?”

“Yes, mom. I’ll see you after my shift. Can you make sure Sam doesn’t eat all the lasagna?”

“Okay, sweetie, sure thing. Oh and Gregory?”

“What is it mom?”

“Samuel put his model racecar collection on your bed, so you’ll have to sleep on the couch tonight”