Filthy Easy Encyclopedia, Pt. 2

Here’s another smattering of encyclopedia entries. Feel free to shoot me some terms that you’d like to see me write about in future editions!

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A

Arugula- The second worst of the salad-filler greens—behind kale, of course. This bitter leaf of lettuce is only made palatable through a vinaigrette baptism, or in the case of its preparation in a kosher dish, a full-body dunk in a balsamic mikvah. Arugula is routinely added to food stuffs such as burgers and pizzas to make them appear healthier. Not only does this not reduce the calorie and fat content of those foods (that would be breaking the laws of thermodynamics), but it also fucking ruins them. We should have the same ideals for arugula and junk food as we do for church and state— keep them separate at all costs, for a society built on arugula and junk food cannot, must not, stand.

G

Gnome- I believe this is the appropriate way to refer to a little-person in the year 2024. Wait, what’s that? What do you mean that’s insensitive? Okay, alright, but that kind of ruins my long-running bit with Michael at the Lowe’s Garden Center when I tell him to “fetch me a garden gnome, garden gnome!” I’ll try instead, “fetch me a garden gnome, little person!”. What’s that? Just call him Michael? The best I can give you is, “Hey Michael, can I call you Mike for short, get it, because you’re short? Fetch me a garden gnome before I squash you like a bug, runt!”

H

Horse Girls- There is no bond quite as strong as that of a girl and her horse. Their bonds with their fathers are very obviously ill-formed, avoidant, or anxious-ambivalent (at best), which is what led them into a life of horse-play to begin with. Hey, that’s better than the other outcome, AKA relentlessly cycling through toxic men, all of whom fall way short of what a noble steed can offer in terms of majesty and endowment. Horse girls give off the same vibes as sheep farmers in Scotland— you’re going to have to do some work to convince me that you’re not getting freaky with the animals.

R

Reality TV- Reality TV doesn’t get much realer than civilian kitchen digest, where we take you inside the homes of unsuspecting civilians and force them to give us a tour of where the culinary magic happens!

*Sound being piped into a Latino family’s apartment building at 2AM*

“Vasquez Family, WAKE THE FUCK UP! You’re on a brand-new episode of civilian kitchen digest! Why don’t you come downstairs to the kitchen and tell the folks tuning in from all across America about that beautiful vertical rotisserie oven that you use to cook that famous Al pastor that your neighbors the Pasillos have been telling us all about!”

*Rosa Vazquez plugs her ears and pushes her husband Jaime Vazquez out of the bed. Jaime shouts something to her in Spanish along the lines of, “What is going on!? Did they install loudspeakers in here!?” Jaime exits the bedroom, takes a metal baseball bat from a hallway closet, and slowly creeps down the stairs wearing nothing but his tighty gringos. A spotlight bathes Jaime in blinding white light. You can clearly see the deep bags under his eyes and a trickle of piss on his underwear. A laugh track plays in the background.*

“Jaime! Thanks for joining us, although I think your jalapeno is showing”

*Another laugh track plays. Jaime bashes in the head of the gameshow host with his bat. The pilot is not picked up by The Food Network*

T

Tasmanian Devil- While originally used as a slur to describe an aboriginal Tasmanian person, Tasmanian Devil is now simply a play on the term Australian Baphomet, or a wild Australian club-goer with a ketamine addiction who is only interested in dancing with your girlfriend in particular. “That Tasmanian Devil over by the speakers hasn’t stopped fist-pumping all night. He must be tits deep in a k-hole!”