Erotic Novels / How it Feels to Chew 5 Gum

Erotic Novels- I get it, girls, you like to take in your pornographic material via writing. I guess it’s classier that way? Whatever. What I do have a problem with is some of the downright appalling descriptive language in these novels. Some of it is just so, so bad that I’m shocked anyone could find it even remotely arousing. “His #$@% was hard, hard as uncooked rice. She was wet, wetter than a dog that had been out in the rain. When they copulated, they fused together liked two joints of wood dovetailed nicely together to make a sturdy coffee table that could bear the load of one thousand Vibe magazines.” “He peeled off his Dijon mustard-stained shirt to reveal a small gut. It wasn’t really that he was ­fat, so much as well-fed. She peeled off her shirt quickly, without any teasing. Underneath were a set of love handles that were her New Year’s resolution to get rid of, but it was only January ^4th. When they came together it wasn’t necessarily hot, but utilitarian, as they wanted to reproduce, and this was the only way they knew how. Had they been more informed, they could’ve had a surrogate or adopted or something. But they were uninformed, uninformed together. He rubbed up on her like a black bear itching his back on the bark of an oak tree…”

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Five (5) Gum- Chewing 5 Gum is like scaling Mt. Everest and finding a half-clad Kate Upton waiting for you at the summit.

Chewing Extra! is like falling asleep on the jungle floors of Papua New Guinea and being picked apart by monitor lizards.

Chewing 5 Gum is like hitting the bullseye on a dunk tank, sending your boss down into a vat full of cat piss, while simultaneously receiving a 20k performance bonus.

Chewing Extra! is like trying to fry an egg naked in your kitchen and having scalding hot oil fly out of the pan and onto your scrotum.

Chewing 5 Gum is like walking into a Krispy Kreme only to find out its free donut and cover the entirety of your mortgage day.

Chewing Extra! is like walking up to the entrance of a Krispy Kreme, only to find out that the location has permanently closed, and you have Leukemia.

Chewing 5 Gum is like winning the sweepstakes for an all-expenses-paid trip to NYC for the 2026 World Cup Final.

Chewing Extra! is like watching a 2026 World Cup group stage match between Saudi Arabia and Australia on a 17-inch cube TV on a military shipping vessel that is currently being boarded by Somali pirates.

Chewing 5 Gum is like receiving a message direct from the lips of God that you are the Messiah.

Chewing Extra! is like being high on bath salts in a park in Orlando and getting detained in the back of a cop car after screaming, “I AM THE MESSIAH!” in the faces of a young couple and their children on the way to Universal Studios.

Chewing 5 Gum is like receiving a Nobel Prize in Physics for explaining dark matter, the ultimate validation for a lifetime of effort spent uncovering one of the greatest mysteries of the universe.

Chewing Extra! is like being the guy who actually explained dark matter, receiving no credit for it, and throwing yourself into a particle accelerator.

Chewing 5 Gum is like inhaling the minty-fresh exhalations of a Nordic ice Goddess who has just risen from a million-year-long slumber.

Chewing Extra! is like squeezing an eyedropper full of pure menthol extract down your urethra.