Encyclopedia Filthyannica

O

Orchards- The ultimate in fun fall activities that your significant other drags you to when all you want to be doing is watching seven hours of commercial free football on NFL Redzone. You’ll have to settle for ESPN fantasy updates about 13 yard touchdowns scored by Kyren Williams while your partner asks you which pumpkin to choose. They all look the same, honey, just get one that’s not covered in cow shit. Apparently OBJ just one-upped his famous one-handed catch but no, you missed it, because you were busy trying to find where the goddamn Jonagold apples were at, because apparently they are better to bake with, whatever the fuck that means. Aaron Rodgers just completed yet another game-winning Hail Mary, but you’ll have to watch the replay later that evening since you are currently lost in the corn maze with your only point of reference being a map with a birds-eye view of the witches’ cauldron shaped maze that’s pretty useless because how in the world can you make out the handle of a wooden spoon from the wall of corn you’re staring at.

Q

Quora- A site where you can freely ask questions that reveal your most alarmingly toxic traits and deepest insecurities without judgement. “Hey Quora, Trump is going to deport millions of immigrants, many of whom are my friends, and strip women of their reproductive rights, but my crypto portfolio is looking amazing since he’s been elected, am I an asshole for jumping on the Trump wagon?”. “Hey Quora, should I tell my daughter that she’s too fat to be a cheerleader, sparing her the embarrassment of being denied, or worse, laughed at, during tryouts?” “Hey Quora, occasionally I’ll just shit on the floors of gas station bathrooms because it’s like hey, not my problem, and the people working there aren’t exactly contributing much to society anyways, is that bad?” “Hey Quora, am I a sociopath?”

S

Supernova- I think this is when a star explodes? I don’t have WIFI right now so that’s my best guess, so we’ll go with that. Well, if that is what a supernova is, then it makes a really, really loud sound, and emits a ton of light and energy. I’ve heard Neil Degrasse Tyson is kind of a cocky dipshit to be around, so I tune out whenever he’s on a podcast, sorry. They always say that some of the stars you see at night time have already died, but since they are hundreds or thousands of light years away, we are still able to see them glow. This process mirrors the legacy that I left on my youth travel soccer team, where the ‘light’ of my legendary career still serves as a guiding force to the little midfielders and defenders of today. That was me, I was the first 6-year-old to perform a studs-up slide tackle that tore someone’s ACL, I reminisce blissfully as I stroll around the fields of my local park, watching a boy being stretchered off of the field, the very same field where I had played as a wee lad.

U

Uber- What are uber drivers possibly saying, or should I say yelling, at their friends for eight straight hours over facetime? Also, do their friends on the other side of the line not have lives? Are they also doing uber halfway across the globe, driving around another group of disgruntled passengers who just want a peaceful ride, maybe some Michael Bublé on the radio, or, better yet, silence? Seriously, what the fuck are they on about? You drive uber bro, your life isn’t exactly glamorous and packed with intrigue and adventure. I’m starting to think that I’d rather take my chances behind the wheel 12 Miller High Life’s deep than risk having to sit through yet another uber filibuster.

W

Waldorf salad- This is some shit with nuts and grapes in it, right? I can’t be bothered to look this up. Grow up and eat something with some structure, like a calzone. The only reason to eat this salad comprised of, uhhh, kale, grapes, walnuts, bird feed, ivy, and ranch dressing, is if you’ve run out of miralax and are in a pinch. This is the number one order of women who have purse Chihuahuas. “I think I’ll have a Waldorf salad, as all the other menu options say they guarantee cancer, but just know I’m not thrilled with my choice!”