Elan- vigorous spirit or enthusiasm
Ex:
Reginald Francis, 62, of Marshfield, Massachusetts, was seen putting out Halloween decorations in his yard, but with much less elan than last year.
When approached by Filthy Easy News Network with questions about why he was somberly hanging up an oversized spider web between the poinsettia and his front door, Francis informed us that his holiday spirit had been sapped by the atrocities committed on last year’s mischief night. It turns out his long face wasn’t just a product of the aggressive weight loss that left him with a lot of loose skin drooping under his eye sockets and off his chin like taffy, but it was a specific result of the actions of a group of asshole teenagers on October 30th, 2023. We head now to field reporter Samuel Clemenstein, who is there live with Mr. Francis. What do you have for us, Samuel?
“Thanks plastic surgery big bosom smiles a lot! I am here now with Mr. Francis, who has just informed me that he will not be putting up his life size zombie figurine for this year’s Halloween. Why is that?”
“Last year when I put that thing up, a bunch of rabble rousers from the neighborhood thought it would be funny to coat the zombie in deer urine and then use the stickiness from the urine to plaster toilet paper all over it. The smell was so bad that it stopped all but one kid from coming up to my door to get his candy. And that one kid dumped the whole bowl of mini kit kats and snickers into his bag, when the sign CLEARLY stated to just take one! God FUCKING dammit I can’t stand this new spoiled generation!”
“Woah, okay Mr. Francis. Easy there. We apologize to the viewers for that colorful language. Mr. Francis, can you tell us why you have chosen to put out an uncarved pumpkin this year, as opposed to a more festive Jack-o’-lantern?”
“Oh, I’ll tell you why! Last year I spent 6 hours carving an image of Big Papi in a hospital bed recovering from getting shot in the Dominican Republic, and only an hour or so after I put the pumpkin outside, it had already been smashed by those same troublemakers!”
“Wow. I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Francis. Does this mean that you will be dishing out more tricks than treats this year?”
“You see that pile of leaves right there? Booby trapped. Underneath it there’s a pit with some sharpened punji sticks. I got the idea from watching Ken Burn’s The Vietnam War. Smart, right?”
“We can’t fault the inventiveness, but we are being broadcast live to thousands of households in the northeast at this very moment, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a visit from the authorities at some point.”
“I’d like to see them try. I have 50 pounds of grapeshot. 20 mortar shells. 6 live IED’s buried under this yard right now.”
“Did you even purchase candy this year, Mr. Francis?”
“I’m just handing out apples.”
“Well, you heard it here first. If you’re in the Marshfield area, don’t go trick or treating tomorrow night, or you might just end up with a piece of fruit. Back to you in the studio.”