Driving School, Farmers Markets, Gymshark

---

D

Driving School- “Permit holders, you have arrived at the next step in your driving education. This is where we put all your book learning and practical driving knowledge to test out in the real world: on the roads. On behalf of myself and the rest of the staff, we bid you a warm welcome to the Eun-Jung Choi Driving School!”

*a couple of unenthusiastic claps are heard*

“Excuse me, teacher, but was Eun-Jung Choi the founder of the school? I just think it’s so awesome that you are working to combat the stereotype that Asian women are bad drivers.”

“No, she actually died in a car crash during her first driving lesson here. The school is named in her memory.”

“Oh.”

Driving School is where you learn all the techniques that you’ll never put into practice once you graduate. Things like maintaining a respectable following distance of three seconds, sometimes more in adverse conditions, behind the vehicle in front of you. Realistically, you’re going to be riding their ass if they’re going anything less than 15 miles per hour over the speed limit. Which brings me to another one of their rules: follow all speed limits. Were you to actually adhere to this, you’d be beaten to death by means of crowbar in a matter of days. “I went to driving school and the instructor tried to tell me to keep my hands at 10 and 2 like some kind of goody two shoes jackass!”

---

F

Farmers Markets- I hope you brought an organic hemp bag and a fat wad of $100’s because you’re about to be bled dry by a homely, yet personable hick in overalls who grows the meanest kohlrabi in the region. You came here wanting some sweet potatoes and maybe a dozen cage-free eggs, but through a combination of gypsy black magic and a gnawing feeling of sorrow for the dull lives of full-time farmers you have been persuaded to purchase a cornucopia of overpriced heirloom veggies and a full-scale replica of the Jolly Green Giant’s cock fashioned from edamame. Feeling bullied and down to your last stack of hundos, you walk past a California raisin of a woman in a tan sunhat displaying mosaics of famous vegan songwriters made from multicolored varieties of corn. You really shouldn’t be splurging on such a niche item, but corn Jason Mraz is staring at you as if to say, “I’m Yours”, and if there ever was a cornier vegan artist to find on a corn mosaic, you have yet to find them, and you’ve been looking. As you’re walking out of the market with your corn mosaic you lock eyes with a woman who looks like a turnip selling a war-scene diorama of whittled turnip versions of G.I. Joes that are holding rifles fashioned from roots and aiming at a GMO-enhanced beet in a Monsanto t-shirt. You have no money left but there’s an ATM by the exit and I mean, how could you not…

---

G

Gymshark- A trendy fitness brand often donned by men who look as if they never took off the Spiderman costume with the inflatable muscles that they sported on Halloween back in 3^rd grade. Gymshark recently announced their Spring 2025 clothing line, which features a dry fit quarter zip pullover with a pull-string in the back that, when yanked, rattles off a number of pre-recorded gym-bro-type messages. Gymshark hopes that this new technology will appeal to gym folks by allowing them to concentrate all of their available brain power on the lift at hand, eliminating their need to redirect valuable neural energy to the task of composing and delivering intelligent speech. Amongst the recorded messages that Gymshark has built in to these quarter zips are YouTube fitness influencer Bradley Martyn’s voice saying, “Yo bro, what’s your max bench?”, “Yo bro, can you spot me real quick?” and, “Yo bro, take a shirtless picture of me real quick”. Other than the Bradley Martyn pack, Gymshark customers can also opt to go the roid-rage route, with statements such as, “Don’t even look at me, twig”, “Get off the bench if you’re not repping 225, pussy” and, “HULK, SMASH”. If gym goers find that selection too uncouth, they might fancy the health nut package, with voice samples including, “That doesn’t meet my macros, I’ll have to pass.”, “I’m doing a green juice enema later, care to join?” and, “Andrew Huberman told me to look at the sun through a pair of binoculars, now I’m blind!”.

Also in Gymshark’s Spring 2025 line is a butt-enhancing legging that comes with a QR code for 100,000 Instagram followers and 5,000 comments from older Indian men saying, “good morning, sunshine ;), you need someone to treat you right”, a visor that just says “GIGADOUCHE” in bold font, and a high-tech sweatshirt with a digital panel that reads, “fat piece of shit” until you get under a certain BMI, which then prompts the panel’s message to change to, “still depressed”.