Domino's Secret Testing at Los Alamos / Hot Peppers

Domino’s- The pizza chain whose worst menu offering is pizza. Known for their snacking ingenuity with items such as parmesan bread bites and brookies, Domino’s employs a team of expert food scientists to ensure their faithful customers are not wanting for options at 3am, six hours deep into a Baldur’s Gate III LAN party. Domino’s recently released a joint statement with the Department of Defense announcing that their R&D team will be commandeering the Los Alamos test site in order to develop their most twisted, sinister offering yet: The Domino’s Oreo Crème Double Stuf Crust Pizza. A Californian physicist by the name Rupert G. Hobnobbenheimer will be heading the crème insertion unit, while ex-soviet scientist Vladimir Nabisko will be taking the reins of the heavy crème production force. With news breaking from Plano, Texas, that Pizza Hut is attempting to manufacture a chicken wing that tastes exactly like pepperoni pizza, the Domino’s scientists are in a race against the clock to bring their Frankensteinian dessert pie to market. The ethics of making such a pie are questionable, but one thing is for certain, once the Oreo Crème Double Stuf Crust Pizza has entered the arena, the fast-casual dining world will never be the same. “Now I am become saturated fat, destroyer of cardiac function”

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Hot Peppers- Ouch! Yeeowww! That hot pepper just lit my tongue on fire, dawg! Here is a list of common hot peppers, from least spicy to spiciest. Spice is measured on the Scoville scale, the official way to index the spiciness of peppers, named for one Garrett Scoville, a chronically unemployed village idiot from North Carolina who used his free time to taste and quantify the heat in every single hot pepper! The work ain’t glorious, but someone’s gotta do it. Thanks, Garrett!

Bell Pepper (0 Scoville heat units): Otherwise known as a vehicle for hummus, the bell pepper is the feeblest of peppers. This sweet pepper can be snacked on raw, if you’re bitch-made, or grilled, if you don’t have access to corn or portabella mushrooms.

Pepperoncini (100-500 Scoville heat units): The most Italian of peppers, pepperoncini is often stuffed with cheese or cured meats, and then thrown at the head of an annoying Comare who wants a real relationship.

Jalapeno (2,500-8,000 Scoville heat units): This is the most basic of the hot peppers. This one is spicy, if you’re a first-world white person. For any Jews reading this, you should probably draw the line here. Your stomach will be barking at you like a complaining yenta if you try any of the following peppers.

Cayenne (30,000-50,000 Scoville heat units): The cayenne pepper is a key ingredient in Buffalo sauce and other common hot sauces. A skinny red pepper that packs a wallop, the cayenne pepper should not be placed directly on one’s eyeball, contrary to popular belief.

Thai Chili/Bird’s Eye Chili (50,000-100,000 Scoville heat units): The Thai chili is another slender red (or green) pepper that derives from Southeast Asia. Commonly used to flavor many of the region’s spicy dishes, you can thank the Thai chili for the swamp-ass you experienced on your last visit to the local Pho joint.

Scotch Bonnet (100,000-350,000 Scoville heat units): This one hurts more than getting open-palm slapped by a monstrous chocolate soufflé of a Jamaican woman. Used to flavor jerk chicken, the scotch bonnet will have a white boy getting his hair braided into cornrows, trying his hand at speaking Patois, and grinding on island gyals as “I GOT THE RIGHT TEMPERATURE TO SHELTER YOU FROM THE STORM” can be heard blaring out of the beach bar speakers.

Habanero (100,000-350,000 Scoville heat units): A fruity little number with the kick of a mule, the habanero comes in a variety of colors, but almost always leaves one’s face the same color: Red as the devil’s dog’s dick.

Ghost Pepper (850,000-1,000,000 Scoville heat units): Should not be rubbed directly on one’s balls, no matter what one’s friend tells you.

Carolina Reaper (1,400,000-2,200,000 Scoville heat units): This one is named after the demonic entity that Garrett Scoville saw in his final moments on earth: the thirty seconds directly following his consumption of this terrifying pepper. If you smear a little bit of goat’s blood above your front door, the Carolina reaper will not break into your home and murder your first born.