Depredated

Depredated- plundered or ransacked

Ex: New retiree Indiana Jones arrived at the cookie aisle only to find that the Oreo section had already been depredated by some ravenous fatsos moments prior. Never one to turn down an adventure, the quest he embarked on in order to track down milk’s favorite cookie took him deep into the industrial wasteland of Bridgeport, Connecticut. While there, he navigated precarious situations such as evading credit card scammers, a close-call with some fentanyl-laced drugs, and being stuck in line behind some obstinate bum who was having a shouting match with the gas station clerk because his disposable E-cig wasn’t hitting right.

The cookie crumb trail eventually led him into one of the city’s famous decrepit, graffiti-covered abandoned warehouses where he found a local posse of overweight latinx teenagers munching on sleeves of Oreos. No longer carrying his trusty leather whip, Indy was forced to improvise. He noticed an old- but still apparently operational- lathe next to the teens. In one swift motion he activate the lathe and yanked on the biggest guy’s triple xl U.S. Polo Association hoodie, jamming the extra fabric into the spinning lathe. The Gabriel Iglesias looking kid was sucked into the deadly apparatus, which spun him and spun him until the gravitational force was too much for his already overworked heart to handle. The other teens scrambled away in abject horror, leaving behind their stash of tasty treats.

Harrison Ford lit up a joint and peeled open a sleeve of double stuf. He closed his eyes as he placed a cookie in his mouth. Maybe he had lost a step since his marauding, globe-trekking days years ago. But he could handle himself in Bridgeport, and he found solace in that fact.