Cute Dog Nicknames, Oliver Twist, Simon Cowell

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C

Cute Dog Nicknames- Every dog owner knows there is really no limit to how crazy you can get with your dog nicknames. They can be so ridiculous and so far removed from the dogs’ original name that you lose track of the thread that led you to the nonsensical nickname in the first place. Daisy can turn into Daisy Girl, then Daisy Princess, then Daisy Flower Princess, then Daisy Dipsy Doodle Doo, then Daisy Days Inn Lazy Wakeup, Missed the Cock a Daisy Doodle Doo, Too Late for The Continental Breakfast, Damn. Rover can turn to Rovie, then Roe v. Wade, then Red Roe v. Wade, then Red Rover, Red Rover, Hand That Fetus Over! Joey can turn to Joe, then Joseph, then Dr. Josef Mengele, Angel of Death to Small Woodland Creatures, Bringer of the Woof and Silencer of the Squeek.

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O

Oliver Twist- A British orphan boy from the 19^th century who just wanted some more soup. He longed for soup more than he longed for the impossible rebirth of his dead parents. If Oliver Twist even gave so much as one tiny shit about avenging his parents’ deaths he could have been Batman, or at least a British version of Batman with a sillier, frillier costume, and a super intimidating catchphrase like, “Oi, if you pick on a wee lad prepare to get binned, Bob’s your uncle!”. His signature move could have been the Oliver Titty Twist, capable of incapacitating even the villains with the most calcified nipples. Instead, Oliver Twist lived a miserable life replete with menial tasks, misfortune after misfortune, and, of most concern to Oliver, no second helpings.

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S

Simon Cowell- A British game show judge of American Idol fame. Simon Cowell is best known for his chest-hair, questionable sexuality, and the sociopathic manner in which he provides unsympathetic, borderline abusive vocal criticism to hopeful Idol contestants. Often some mild-mannered Midwestern choir boy will enter the audition room after a 30-second segment airs in which he discusses his daughters’ leukemia diagnosis and the bleak reality of navigating the US healthcare system as a minimum-wage cashier at an Arby’s. At this point viewers at home are thinking, “Oh wow, he’s definitely going to be good. No way he doesn’t get a golden ticket to Hollywood.”. Oh silly, silly viewer. Did you forget that one of the judges on the panel is none other than the Simon Cowell? After what sounds like a stirring rendition of Stevie Wonders’ “Superstition”, the choir boy is showered in applause—applause from two of the three judges, that is. “Wow, Michael. Just wow. That was really special.”. “Michael, you have the voice of an angel. Has anyone ever told you that you have a real gift?”

“Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael. I advise you to go to the hospital and spend as much time with your daughter as possible before it’s too late, because one place you for sure are not going to is Hollywood. My ears are bleeding, Michael. Are you going to pay the medical bills to fix my ears as well, Michael? That was shit. Who told you to audition? No, seriously, please bring out the deranged, deluded family members that convinced you to come out here today. For your sake, Michael, I hope they are all mentally handicapped, because no able-minded individuals would ever, ever, have told you this was a good idea. Get the fuck out of this room right now.”