Conjecture

Conjecture- an opinion or conclusion formed from incomplete information

Ex: Which came first, the Chex Mix or the Gardetto’s? Which mix is king? A simple google search could give us the answers, but what would be the fun in that? I’d rather spout some conjectures, some unfounded humorous stabs at getting to the bottom of this most meaningful debate. Let’s start with a discussion of that which we know to be factual (Jesus, what a circuitous route to say “let’s discuss the facts”. Just an all-around shit smear of a sentence. What am I doing?). Chex Mix is just Gardetto’s plus Chex pieces. Gardetto’s is just Chex Mix except without Chex pieces. Alright let’s get this essay on track. I haven’t said jack shit in this entire paragraph. That changes now. Actually, scratch that, it’ll start next paragraph.

Rye chips. Boom. There you go. I told you we’d get to some good stuff, and here I am delivering on that promise. Specifically, the discrepancy in the amount of rye chips in Gardetto’s and Chex Mix. What Gardetto’s lacks in Chex, it more than makes up for in those little crunchy disks of concentrated flavor. This wasn’t always the case for Chex Mix though, as sometime before the start of the 2010’s there used to be a white bagel chip in Chex Mix that enhanced the chippiness of the mix. The bagel chip was the yin to rye chip’s yang. Not that the chips are Asian or anything, that would be an absurd claim to make. Just in that what the rye chip brought to the table in terms of in-your-face, over level 9000, heavy metal flavorage, was in direct opposition to the muted flavor and crunch of the thinner, less adventurous white chip. I don’t know what nincompoop at Chex Mix thought it was a good idea to get rid of those toasty bagel cross sections in favor of dumping a fuck load more stale pretzels into the mix, but I hope that guy pops open a bag of Chex to reveal ONLY the pretzels, which is some serious nightmare fuel. A bag of only rye chips on the other hand…well, guess what? GARDETTO’S DID THAT! They’re called Gardetto’s Special Request Garlic Rye Chips. I don’t know who placed the special request, but thank you dear god thank you for your service you bloody legend.  

But back to those pretzels, what exactly is Chex Mix’s gameplan with those? Both shapes- windowpane and hollow circular ring- are ass. There’s no fancy writer-speak way to describe them other than that they’re just sheer ass. They lack crunch and— this is the more egregious offense— they have no taste whatsoever. The Gardetto’s pretzels run laps around them. Reason being, they are seasoned. As is the case with all components of Gardetto’s, they are covered in a worcestershire-y signature seasoning blend. Now this is really where Gardetto’s separates themselves from Chex mix. The only pieces that get blessed by Chex’s flavor dust are the Chex themselves. Neither the pretzels, nor the caterpillar breadsticks have been sprinkled with any of that savory crack. Advantage Gardetto’s. So, I think you now have an idea of what I consider to be the tastier snacking option.

As far as which came first? The answer is neither. Salvador Gardetto and Angus Chex ran a highly successful snack stand in a dusty western mining town in the late 1800’s. They offered two products, two embryonic predecessors to what are today known as Gardetto’s and Chex Mix. Angus Chex just had the panache, the balls to invent a cereal in his family’s namesake and to throw it in his mix. A snack mix with a cereal in it? “You’re crazy” said Gardetto. You see Gardetto, well he just liked to keep things classic. Like an Italian sports car, every piece in his mix was beautiful and had a clear, defined purpose. He wasn’t as whimsical as Angus, nor did he approve of the flagrantly masturbatory, and frankly lotionless, move of weaseling your personal cereal into a snack mix in which a cereal does not belong, making it the only piece with some flavor, and then naming your mix CHEX fucking MIX! Well, Gardetto did name his mix Gardetto’s, but what other choice did he have? There was sure as shit no way that his original name, “Miscellaneous Worcestershire Assortment of Shapes for Snacking Betwixt Meals” could compete with a snappy, rhyming, monosyllabic name like Chex Mix. Tensions were high at their snack stand. Eventually, they agreed to go their separate ways. While Angus Chex focused on his marketing abilities, Gardetto sat in a rocky cave on a Sardinian island, toiling obsessively to refine the distinct, bold flavors of his mix. And that is why today, Chex Mix flies off the shelves and into customer’s mouths, while it’s shy, unassuming cousin Gardetto’s sits in the shadows, and rarely, if ever, gets to feel the touch of a human’s lips. Yea, you could have just asked google for the answer, but, I’ll say it again, where’s the fun in that?