Cattywampus

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Cattywampus- going badly, awkwardly, or in the wrong direction

Ex:

Now this is the story all about how

My life got flipped, turned cattywampus

And I’d like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I’ll tell you how my last book sold no copies and plunged me into a life of despair.

On substack is where the filthy easy concept was born and raised

On the computer, half-naked, was where I spent most of my days

Flipping out, cursing, tweaking off caffeine

Printing out new content like some type of machine

When a couple of middle aged British blokes whose lives were no good

Started liking and commenting on my stories involving morning wood

I wrote one little book and my friends were amazed

They said remember us, when you’re in your Abu Dhabi, Rolex, Nice Car phase

I begged and pleaded with them day after day

Told them my punny shit jokes and satire weren’t all that great

But they gave me some money and gave me an ultimatum

They said sell 10,000 copies of your next book or your scrotum shall be taken

Eating caviar while I craft Reddit ads,

Man spending someone else’s money ain’t half bad!

Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like?

Hmm, this might be alright

But wait, I can’t relax, I gotta double their cash

So I opened my laptop and put a caffeine pill up my ass

After months and months, of printing brand new content

I announced my new book, thought it’d hit like a bomb threat

Even got a sweet new cover, made by my cousin

And got recognition from the dude who created The Onion (

Scott Dikkers

)

But things went south once I went live on Amazon

Only sold a few copies, with one being my mom

Now the aforementioned friends, who doubled as investors

Were waiting on my call, that I’m a best-selling jester

But the phone never rang, because nobody bought it

So I’m cupping my nuts, waiting for my scrotal audit

Now this isn’t a plea, for you to buy my book

OH SHIT that’s a knock on the door

Man, I’m totally shook

If this is the last you hear, from the Clemenstein man

Just know I appreciate every like, I adore every fan

MOTHER OF JAMAICAN TITS now they’re in my house

Just a matter of time, before I squeak like a mouse

SON OF THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR PASSED THROUGH MY URETHRAL MEATUS

They’re on the way up the stairs, that’s where their feet is

I’ve enjoyed every second, I’ve enjoyed every post

If this is my final written contribution

Let me propose a toast

A toast to the substackers, a toast to the HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE GARDEN SHEARS

A toast to the fans who’ve kept me going up til here.

A toast to the AHHHHHYODELYODELYODELAYEEEEHOOOOO JESUS YOU DID IT YOU REALLY DID IT