Catching up with the Animal Stars of Planet Earth
Planet Earth- One of the most awe-inspiring television series ever produced, Planet Earth takes you on a tour of this green and blue rock’s natural splendor and stunning ecological diversity, with Sir David Attenborough serving as audio tour guide. One unforeseen circumstance of the show’s globe-trotting nature is that many of the animals filmed only enjoyed a brief moment in the limelight before retreating to back to relative obscurity in jungles, savannas, and coral reefs. Fame was bestowed upon them then coarsely stripped away like the wax pad applied to the chest of an Iranian bodybuilder in the lead up to competition. Many of the shows’ stars dealt with deteriorating mental and physical health in the immediate wake of their episodes’ airing. Whether through active cover-up or a genuine lack of interest, these stories have been hidden from the public for years. Thanks to savvy investigative journalism from the Clemenstein team, we are now able to shed light on some of these unfortunate realities.
Gerry the Skink
SC (Sam Clemenstein): “Gerry, we last saw you burrowing into the sand to escape a horned viper in season 3’s ‘Desert Oases’ episode. Now tell us, what have you been up to in the last seven years? Still sand-diving? Still narrowly escaping those pesky dune snakes?”
Gerry: “I don’t know if David [Attenborough] mentioned this, but that viper actually nipped one of my hind legs. I couldn’t completely evade the attack. I was playing the role of Pharaoh in a The Prince of Egypt reenactment at work at the time. The damage to my leg totally fucked me. Nobody would genuinely believe that Pharaoh was wheelchair-bound. He’s meant to be like, the embodiment of all things powerful and masculine. Being crippled doesn’t exactly showcase those traits.”
SC: “Oof. That’s really rough, Gerry. So, what happened next?”
Gerry: “I wanted three weeks paid leave for the wound to heal. Told them that would be enough time to get me back on my four feet and ready to go. My boss wasn’t willing to give me the time off. It was peak season. He needed his best Pharaoh. I can’t really blame him, but just know that I would have been practicing my, ‘You’re not going anywhere, Jewish slaves! Get back here and work on my grain-storage cities in ten-minute intervals, allowing substantial rest time for your backs to recover!’ around the clock, staying real sharp for my return.”
SC: “Your boss kind of sounds like a dick.”
Gerry: “He’s just salty that he never really made it on Skinkway. He was the understudy to Skink Lancelot in Skinkalot twenty years ago, but he was stuck behind this really talented lizard named Francoise Bertrand Von Rubermeer who had a vice grip on the leading role. Anyways, he fired me. And that’s when I started popping Percocet.”
SC: *Points to a pile of discarded Pizza Pyramid boxes* “And hoarding?”
Gerry: *Sighs* “Yes, and hoarding. Can we wrap this up? I think you’ve gotten your content. Get that camera out of my face! Get out, NOW!”
Melinda Orca
SC: “Melinda, nice to see you. You last appeared in the penultimate episode of Season 4, ‘Wild Pacific’. Tell me, Melinda, how have you fared since shooting wrapped?”
Melinda: “I’ve just been trying to help out my community, clean up the currents, keep the little ones in schools, but I’m a killer whale, so, you know, I get a bad rap. They say ‘Melinda, why are you so violent? Melinda, why are you such a bad example? Can you teach me how to Dougie?’ No, I can’t teach you how to Dougie! Look at my skin, I’m an Oreo. I like to read! I like to play Magic the Gathering! Hell, I listen to Phish! Now tell me, how violent is that?”
SC: “But you also brutally murder seals, right?”
Melinda: “You see, this is what I’m talking about. Common misconception. I’m a seagan. Most of us are now. We just eat seaweed.”
SC: “So you don’t ride around in beamers with your girls in fishnet leggings twerking on the hood to Sexyy Red, causing all sorts of traffic and pandemonium on the Trans-Arctic Swimway?”
Melinda: *Sigh* “Some of us do do that, yes. But our entire species isn’t represented by the actions of those few. Most of us like to sip coral tea and play Settlers of Catan in the evening. I think you’d be well served to listen to some Killer Whale Mike. Maybe you’d learn a thing or two about us.”
SC: “Killer Whale Mike! By Poseidon’s tri-headed penis, that name strikes fear into the still-beating heart of any pale-skinned landlubber!”
Melinda: “Give it a shot. I promise you’ll find his social commentary enlightening.”
SC: “Shiver me Timberwolves, Melinda! If someone catches me listening to Killer Whale Mike, they’ll send me to Julio Jones’ locker! They’ll put tiger balm on me taint and keelhaul me til I’m flayed like a flounder!”
Melinda: “It just might help you get invited to the deep-sea cookout.”
SC: “The deep-sea cookout! By Ursula’s deep purple tentacle rimming my anus, I’ve always dreamt of being invited to the deep-sea cookout!”
Melinda: “Cool it with the flowery language, Herman Melville”
SC: “Cool it? I am cool! I’m so cool my water chestnuts have shriveled up like the shrunken head of a Barbadian pirate fallen prey to the black magic of a Caribbean water-witch fluent in the black verse of reverse-osmosis encephalitis!”
Melinda: “Alright y’all. It’s been real. Cut it.”
Shmiezelmachav Ben Fazoudina-Rhaziphiriel Ibex
SC: “Shmiezelmachav, my habibi, it’s good to see you again! The way you scaled those vertical cliffs of limestone was truly remarkable. I don’t think I’ve ever seen another animal capable of doing that. Is that still how you fill up your days?”
SBFRI: “Well it was how I filled up my days, until I misstepped, took a tumble off a cliff and somersaulted head over heels for 3,000 excruciatingly painful vertical feet. The momentum kept me rolling through a pile of wires in the back parking lot of a Circuit City, which adhered to my chest in a suicide-bomby kind of way. I kept on rolling all the way through to downtown Haifa, where the civilians started panicking, yelling, ‘LOOK AT THAT WEIRD LOOKING GOAT THING WITH WIRES ON ITS CHEST! TERRORIST GOAT! TERRORIST GOAT!’. First off, have they never seen an Ibex before? We all have that wispy, veteran Hezbollah member beard. And the horns? Don’t act like you’ve never seen horns before! Don’t you guys all have horns in Haifa? Anyways, I ended up blowing up a kindergarten.”
SC: “Moses Christ, Shmiezel, that kind of sounds terroristy to me!”
SBFRI: “You would think that, wouldn’t you, ClemenSTEIN!”
SC: “Common misconception. The Clemenstein surname is actually German, not Jewish. Rudolph Clemenstein had a famous candy factory that produced such treats as, ‘nebishy, neurotic hook-nose gummies’ and, ‘frail, beady-eyed white chocolate lawyers’”
SBFRI: “Then you of all people should know that what I did was no terrorist act!”
SC: “I’m not a Nazi, if that’s what you’re insinuating here, Shmiezel. My mom’s surname is actually Manischevitz.”
SBFRI: “Curse you and your shitty kosher alcoholic grape juice!”
SC: “You didn’t invent hummus, you liar!”
SBFRI: “Lavash is better than pita!”
SC: “You take that back!”
SBFRI: “Never!”
SC: “Lebanese cedar is my least favorite type of wood!”
SBFRI: “The JNF’s mission to plant a million trees in Israel is farfetched and has limped along feebly in the last decade!”
SC: “At least we have charities that aren’t terrorist infrastructure funding sources masquerading as donation drives!”
SBFRI: “Chocolate milk in a bag is a STUPID invention!”
SC: “What have you invented in the last, I don’t know, 1000 years?”
SBFRI: “Babaganoush!”
SC: “OH HERE WE GO AGAIN!”
‘You’re not going anywhere, Jewish slaves! Get back here and work on my grain-storage cities in ten-minute intervals, allowing substantial rest time for your backs to recover!’ around the clock, staying real sharp for my return.”
"So let it be written; so let it be done."