Bird Watchers, Ultimate Frisbee Players, Volunteer Firefighters

Just a reminder to check out my book if you haven’t already. Also, if you like what you read, please drop a like or comment!

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B

Bird Watchers- All you need are a pair of binoculars and literally nothing else in the world to do and BANG, just like that you’re in a chair on your deck examining birds like the avian pervert that you are. If you live in a temperate climate you’ll probably see a bunch of boring, run of the mill birds like finches and sparrows, so you’re probably better off using those binoculars to check out neighbor Dave’s sweet new Corvette and wait a minute is that a plastic tube leading from the exhaust pipe into his front door? He must be trying to fill his house with that new car smell. Classic Dave, man, he lives for cars. Always said he would finally be happy once he got a Corvette. Glad to see he’s enjoying it so much.

Bird watchers living in tropical regions can see much, much more interesting birds like birds of paradise, blue-footed boobies, and red-beaked penises. One must, however, possess the requisite knowledge to correctly identify the multitude of varied species. Otherwise, all one is doing is passively observing a collection of flying creatures that haven’t been unlocked in the character selection screen of some type of Tekken-style bird fighting game. All the birds appear shadowy and featureless until you scroll past one with a scarlet bill and a horse cock. I wonder what that one could be?

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U

Ultimate Frisbee Players- You’re an athlete, but you spend just as much time playing Settlers of Catan as you do in the gym conditioning your fitness. You have zero aura and zero swag, but what you do have is a new pair of rec specs and a new pair of Velocity 3.0 adult Scooby Doo Frisbee cleats. Your trash talk game is meek and never crosses the line for fear of hurting others’ feelings, or worse—jeopardizing a relationship with a fellow disc bro. If you play ultimate Frisbee competitively, you’re a social reject, you’re a goddamn loser, and you’re the last person I’d ever want to share a beer with at the bar. “I just left an ultimate Frisbee player for an unhygienic Dungeons & Dragons dungeon master, because at least he’s not in denial about being on the bottom rung of the social ladder”

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V

Volunteer Firefighters- Just because you volunteer to throw yourself into perilous situations in order to help other people doesn’t guarantee that you’re a good person. In the case of volunteer firefighters, it actually guarantees the opposite. Rarely is there a volunteer firefighter that is serving their town or county out of the goodness of their heart. Some of them are in it for the attention of single moms in their area, while others are in it to have a chill hangout spot away from their wives and kids where they can talk crypto, sports betting, and Pizzagate. Plus, the firehouse always has a couple couches to crash on when your wife won’t let you back into the house because you blew your kids’ college fund on Hawk Tuah Coin. When the alarm sounds and it’s time to slide down the ole’ stripper pole that was lovingly donated by “Diamond” Debra Shapirstein, a collective groan is emitted from all the firemen in the house. “Just when we were getting to the bottom of this whole ‘Great Replacement’ debacle once and for all! Davey, hit pause on OAN, we’ll finish this up when we get back.”

“Alright, Mikey, but you’re going in first. I got hit with so much smoke last time that it hurt my lungs to vape at little Rachel’s soccer practice”

Volunteer firefighters are volunteers because their areas of residence have very infrequent fire-related incidents, so there’s no need to have a real fire squadron around. The majority of volunteer firefighters’ time is spent begging for donations to fill the “ladder of giving” to the 100k top rung so that they may keep the firehouse afloat and order Buffalo Wild Wings catering on NFL Sundays. This “fundraising” occurs at events such as “pay to spray the liberal cuck with the fire hose night”, “fireman’s carnival featuring rickety rides that people have fallen out of and been badly mangled in years prior”, and everyone’s favorite betting game, “who will pass out first? The autoerotic asphyxiator or the fireman in the burning house with no mask on?”