Back When Jews Ran the NBA

NBA- The National Basketball Association. While most now know the NBA as the home of the hyper-fast twitch, impossibly springy athlete, there was a time when the on-court product was almost entirely unrecognizable, when fundamentals ruled, when intellect and strategy were fundamental to success, when calls could be overturned with passionate nasal complaints: THE JEWISH BASKETBALL ERA. Here I highlight some of the greatest Jewish ballplayers of this bygone time:

Mort Schlimazelstein: A larger than life presence, Schlimazelstein was the tallest center in the league, standing at a towering height of 5’11. Known for using his big tuchus to establish position deep in the post, Schlimazelstein guided the Minneapolis Kvetch to three straight NBA finals appearances from 1948-1950, but was unable to bring a championship back home to Minnesota. He was extremely unlucky with his springtime dander and pollen allergies, which kept him out of all but two finals’ games in that three-year stretch, hence his nickname “Schlimazel”, which loosely translates to “unlucky fool”

Bert Finkelstein: One of the nimblest little point guards of the Jewish Basketball Era, Finkelstein used his slight frame, as well as surreptitious tactics he acquired while evading the Nazis during their sacking of the Polish city of Krakow, to quite literally disappear from defenders’ sight lines during games. Finkelstein would dribble the ball up the court, pass it off to one of his teammates, run over to his team’s bench to grab a disguise, and then take his place sitting amongst the spectators. At times all opposing players could do was throw their hands up as if to say, “How on earth do I guard this guy?”. Finkelstein was known for putting the team on his back during some deep playoff runs in the late fifties. This turned out to be a massive issue as he developed debilitating scoliosis that cut his career short.

Saul Finebaum: The original Better Call Saul, Saul Finebaum balanced his NBA career with another full-time job as a personal injury lawyer. When the floor of the Gefilte Center collapsed under Yedidya Kipperov’s feet as he was attempting a layup, sending him plummeting ten feet down into the tunnels that the teams’ owner, Yeeshayahu CHACHACHA (guttural throat sounds) stein-steinovich was using to illegally package and distribute smoked whitefish spread, Finebaum helped Kipperov back onto his feet—both literally and figuratively—by successfully suing CHACHACHAstein-steinovich and pocketing Kipperov $200,000 to use on a double knee-replacement surgery. Finebaum’s on-court antics were nothing to write home about. He was a career 82% free-throw shooter using the underhanded bubbe shot technique.

Mitch Shapiro: Best known for introducing the clip-on Yarmulke to the league, Shapiro was an athletic small-forward, meaning he had a 14 inch vertical and didn’t call timeouts just to catch his breath because he had asthma (as was common practice during that era). Shapiro often spun like a dreidel through defensive traffic, which earned him a boatload of gelt when it was time for the Nashville Nudniks to renew his contract following a very productive 1954 season. Shapiro signed an at-the-time record breaking deal which included a sign-on bonus of 42 gallons of scallion cream cheese, as well as free weekly Bar Mitzvah tutor sessions for his son, Isiah.

Baruch Benowitz-Abrahamson: Baruch was a hairy power forward who played for the Boston Bankers between 1948-1957. A bruiser who rebounded well and had good footwork for a man of his size (which he credits to dancing the Hora, of all things), Benowitz-Abrahamson proposed that the league change games so that they would be played in quarters instead of halves. His wife Hilde could often be heard vocally tearing into him from the sideline, and, as any good Jewish husband knows, he had no choice but to leave the court to attend to her needs, leaving his team shorthanded in the process. His flat arches became a real issue late in his career, but his friendship with one Dr. Scholl proved providential, as the Dr. was inspired by Benowitz-Abrahamson’s foot issues to develop a gel-insert worn by Jews the world over. Benowitz-Abrahamson also had another famous friend in Bob Dylan, whose song, “The Times They Are A-Changin’” was actually inspired by Benowitz-Abrahamson’s proclamation that, “The times are a-changin’ for the status of Jews in the NBA” the first time he saw an African-American man dunk a basketball at a local park in Dorchester.