Aliens / Joe Rogan Experience

Aliens- Extraterrestrials poised just outside of our atmosphere with supersonic headphones pointed at earth, listening intently for the moment our AI is able to unravel what women mean when they same “I’m fine”. It turns out that Aliens exist, and their civilization also feels as if their patriarchal grip is slipping. Despite the astonishing advances in physics and engineering that have enabled them to traverse the universe in order to study life on other planets, the male members of their species still have not developed the emotional intelligence to parse the meaning from this most perplexing of female messages. Their best guess up until this point has been that the females are, in fact, fine with them going out for a few space beers with the boys. However, time and time again, the females have not seemed fine when they stumble back into their floating anti-gravity skyscraper apartments and demand space sandwiches to be prepared for them. The aliens know that “I’m fine” might as well be The Voynich Manuscript for human males, in that the message is completely indecipherable to them, but they are hoping that human advances in AI technology may finally bring about a way to translate this faux declaration of well-being. When prompted to interpret this message, the best that Chat GPT can do is respond that the woman, “More often than not does not mean anything other than what is clearly stated, that she ‘is fine’, however, if you notice this message accompanied by apparent frustration or anger, it probably means that you can still go to Buffalo Wild Wings with the boys instead of to the paint & sip she had planned, but proceed with caution. Just be sure to bring her back a doggy bag with some boneless Asian Zings.” The Aliens have started to build a small colony on an asteroid, as they sense that they might be here for a while.

---

Joe Rogan Experience- While taking his usual route down I-65 to his job as a kink tech at FedEx Kinkos, Tim Foillhatt, 33, of Gary, Indiana, turned on the latest episode of his favorite podcast, the Joe Rogan Experience, and settled in for the twenty-minute commute. Foilhatt enjoyed learning about politics and science through Joe’s conversations with erudite scholars in their respective fields. He especially loved Joe’s talk with self-proclaimed Middle East expert Dave Smith of the Legion of Skanks podcast, who planned to solve the Israel-Palestine conflict by withholding hummus from Hamas. Another of his favorites was when Joe had the actor Terrence Howard on the show to discuss his stunningly groundbreaking and empirically derived (with spaghetti tower models) new theory of mathematics in which 1 x 1 = 2. Joe’s guest for today’s episode was 2020 Nobel Laureate in physics, Sir Roger Penrose, famous for his work on black holes. Foilhatt was immediately suspicious of Penrose because of his association with The Nobel Foundation—a powerful organization which awarded prizes in exchange for sexual favors and large sums of cash (see JRE #671). As the compact Homo Habilis creature Joe Rogan began his conversation with Penrose, Foilhatt found himself quickly pissed off. Penrose had a stupid know-it-all British accent and he kept being stumped by Joe’s questions about aliens, aliens using ketamine, and aliens planting phones on earth as a means to destroy humanity. When Penrose couldn’t provide a rational response to Joe pressing him about Eddie Hall probably being able to outmuscle a black hole, Foilhatt had heard enough. He leaned over to press pause on his phone, which was resting beside him in the passenger seat and SMASH! A 2 x 4 flew off the back of the pickup truck in front of him and crashed through the windshield right where his head would have been had he not bent over to pause the podcast! The Joe Rogan Experience had saved Tim Foilhatt’s life. You can argue over the details and semantics all you want, but the crux of the matter is that if he wasn’t listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast, Tim would be dead right now! Lifeless! Decapitated! The Joe Rogan Experience had saved lives in the past, albeit slowly—through a lifetime of ice baths and elk meat—but never in this immediate fashion. 5 stars!