Abscond, Cosset

Abscond- to run away and hide from detection or arrest

Ex: The mouse absconded from the kitchen with a cookie clenched firmly in its tiny jaws. And you know what happens when a mouse gets hold of a cookie. He starts making all sorts of ridiculous demands. First, he wants a little bit of weed to smoke so the cookie will taste even better. Then he wants a miniature couch to lounge on since he’s feeling the “in-da-couch” effects of his indica rip. After that, naturally, he will request that you upgrade your cable package so he can watch reruns of The Hard Times of RJ Berger on MTV2. And, if you recall the circular nature of the If You Give a Mouse a Cookie story, this will lead the mouse to want another cookie- preferably a crispy chocolate chip from Tate’s Bake Shop- while he watches the lovable loser RJ and his massive peen navigate the high school dating scene in this classic coming-of-age tale.

Cosset- to pamper, to protect someone from anything remotely unpleasant

Ex: Growing up in one of the Newport Mansions just a few doors down (or, more accurately, a few hundred doors down- these palatial estates are bloody massive) from the Breakers, she was cosseted by her many housekeepers and indentured servants (yes, that’s what they were). With her parents totally out of the fold (they couldn’t be bothered to actually raise her, of course) it was up to these nimble house elves to keep her safe and shielded from any sense of unease or harm. When she complained about one of the little yellow rectangles of Cap’n Crunch scratching the roof of her mouth, her subservient, ever-reliable dishwasher Fausto (yes, a dishwasher referred to a person in this household, not the appliance) dialed up the folks over at Quaker and told them that their product would be yanked off of grocery store shelves nationwide if they didn’t sand down the deadly edges of their sugary cereal. And that, my friends, is how OOPS! All Berries came into existence. Not only did Fausto convince them to entirely remove the yellow pieces in favor of the smoother, spherical berries, but he also got them to emblazon their royal fuckup onto their boxes for all eternity in the form of the OOPS! In the title. Never had the Quaker Oats guy’s head been shoved so deeply into a pile of his own loose oatmeal shit.