A Session With a Conservative Psychologist
Conservative Psychologists- The more rural your living situation, the more likely it becomes that you’ll have to turn to conservative psychologists for mental health treatment. If you do find yourself in this precarious situation, it’s best to familiarize yourself with some of the therapeutic techniques that you’ll be exposed to before entering treatment. Going in blind could prove devastating. Here’s a list of what to expect when you plop yourself down on the couch of one Kenny Chesterfield, LPC:
Appeals to a Higher Power- “Have you tried asking god for forgiveness yet? All of this therapy stuff is really pointless without the lord on your side. Listen, I’m no miracle maker, but I do know someone who is! I can make you feel better, up until a certain point. But if you really want to feel on top of the world, you need to get down on your hands and knees and maketh of thyself a sacrificial lamb before our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ.”
“But doesn’t all of this mental anguish stem from my experiences as an altar boy? Shouldn’t I be trying to distance myself from Christianity?”
“Distance yourself from Christianity? You’ve been running away from your faith your whole adult life. And how far has that gotten you? Let’s see here…you’re a depressed loser who can’t hold down a job. Grow some fucking balls and get back to church before you end up in hell with all the other weak, godless men who blame their struggles on their mental condition”
Culturally Incompetent Healthcare- “Where are you from? And don’t tell me America. The suns’ not strong enough here to make us that shade, brother. It says here on my chart that you’ve got a little bit of anxiety. What’s scaring you? All the stuff you’ve been seeing on the news? That doesn’t happen in this town, man. We love your type. Matter of fact, best football player to ever come through this town was a feller by the name of Joe Mcgee who looked like he could’ve been your uncle. Hell of a ballplayer, that Joe McGee. Built like a fire hydrant too. Heard he was packing something fierce down south as well.”
“I’m feeling nervous because my cousin was stalked down and beaten unconscious with a lead pipe on Main and Lennox last weekend.”
“There never was another running back quite like that Joe McGee. Legs like a Clydesdales’ and biceps the height of Mount Zion. Now tell me, do you play ball, son?”
“I’m having panic attacks all the time. I can’t sleep. I keep having night terrors. Violent dreams of bearded men in flannel shirts sitting in the back of pickup trucks, pumping their sawed-off shotguns, aiming the barrels at my face.”
“My son’s on the wrestling team. I want to give him a real test. Put a real athlete in front of him, you know what I’m saying? You think you could rough him up a bit? Yea, he can handle himself against some white boys, but he’s never been put in a chocolate pretzel before.”
“I’m thinking of moving away to stay with my uncle and aunt until things become safer for me here.”
“Ah yes, the Fresh Prince maneuver. Well, color me surprised! What’s next? Your aunt’s named Madea? Now, my man, I’m shocked you of all people don’t know this, but I’m gonna let you in on a little inside baseball. None of this therapy shit really works, alright. The only way we therapists fix our anxiety is by lighting a fat doobie and blazing that shit to smithereens. Now go play the corner and score yourself from chronic, hustla!”
Putting Your Struggles Into Perspective- “You were traumatized by words? Let me get this straight. WORDS? I talk to real veterans with real lived combat experience in some of the most brutal, bloody campaigns in recent military history. And you have the audacity to come in here and complain about WORDS? These are men who willingly place themselves in the proverbial hornet’s nest and beg those fuckers to come and sting them. Have you ever seen what a man looks like after he’s been shredded by shrapnel and all but left for dead, face down in the scorching sandy cauldron of goat-fucker city, Iraq? It’s fucking terrifying. Now that’s what real trauma looks like. So don’t you dare ever come in her and complain about something upsetting that someone said to you ever again, you got me? You want some therapy? Man the fuck up! How’s that for therapy? Look at that flag on the wall. The next time you step in here you better show some goddamn respect to that flag and the troops that give their lives to defend it.”
Great piece!